I never really had any breastfeeding journey to speak of. I tried breastfeeding in the hospital, but ended up having no supply, so baby was sucking air—she cried every second she was not on my breast because she was probably starving. Still, I was provided no formula or anything to feed my baby because she did not lose the requisite amount of weight to put her in the danger territory.
I consulted with two lactation consultants at the hospital, who told me to do “hand expression” and that my milk would come in in a few days, but in the meantime, use this hospital-grade pump and get another lactation consultant once you get out. My hand expression never got more than a few pin drops of milk—I since learned that when other women hand-express, they are able to milk themselves like a cow.
Days became weeks and my milk never came in. I did everything suggested by the lactation consultant. I drank the teas, put baby on my breast, and pumped whenever I wasn’t feeding her. The most I was able to pump per day is 5oz. The most I have been able to feed my baby is 1 tablespoon with both breasts in a nearly hour-long feed. Initially, I was only able to feed her 0.01oz. At about 2 months, my baby started refusing to breastfeed. Without the breastfeeding hormones from baby, I was able to pump less and less. Shortly after, my supply completely dried up. I can no longer breastfeed and my baby does not even suck for comfort.
I feel guilty that I cannot breastfeed my baby and sad I never had a real breastfeeding journey. My mom also acts like I am abusing my baby because I no longer breastfeed her. It’s not because I don’t want to or have not tried, but I have such a low supply that it was never a realistic option for me.