u/Green7777green

Hi everyone, and have a great day! This is going to be a long one, so thanks to anyone who sticks around until the end I really need to get this off my chest.

I’m looking for some outside perspective and, honestly, just some support. The situation is both cliché and devastating: the end of a 17-year friendship.

For all these years, I was my friend's "emotional dumpster." I spent endless hours listening to how bad her life was, how much she suffered, and how everything was wrong. She was stuck in a depressive state for years but did almost nothing to help herself. I was always there: supporting her, listening for hours, and genuinely caring about every detail of her life. After her messy breakup, she lived at my place for a week while I did everything to make her comfortable just so she could recover from her breakdown.

I rarely asked for anything in return. But there was one thing that deeply hurt me: her habit of ignoring my messages. She would read them and not reply for 3-4 days, or not open the chat at all, even though she was constantly online and watching my stories. Eventually, I sat her down for a heart-to-heart. I explained how much this "ignoring" hurt me and made me feel invisible. She said, "I understand, I'll try not to do that," especially since she always complained about how much she hated being ignored.

The result? A couple of weeks later, the exact same thing happened. My "How are you?" sat unread for two days while she was active online. I deleted the messages, I felt physically sick from being treated that way. She only reached out a month later with a brief "What's new?". From that point on, I distanced myself and started being cold. She noticed, but for several months, she didn't even bother to ask what was wrong.

While she was in a relationship, she didn't really need me or our hangouts. But as soon as her circumstances changed and she moved back to her hometown, she got bored and suddenly started being "active" toward me again. 

After that, she started texting me once every two weeks, but I would respond coldly, and she never once asked why, she would just cut the conversation short. Then, she texted me asking to meet up:

Friend: I wanted to suggest meeting up, but I assume you’ll say no?

Me: Yes, I can meet. Is there something specific you want to discuss?

Friend: Not really. We aren't business partners. I just wanted to meet. I’m rarely in the city and just wanted to go for a walk.

Me: That’s not the point. I think you’ve noticed we aren't talking like we used to, so I was curious about the purpose of the meeting. If you just want a walking buddy, it’s not the same for me anymore.

Friend: I noticed, and I don’t really get what the deal is. I just wanted to walk.

Me: You could have asked... Anyway, I get it, and I think it’s better if we don't meet. I don't think anything good will come of it.

Friend: Well, I did text you. What is there to ask if it’s obvious you don’t want to talk. Like I said, you’d refuse.

I was shocked that she started the dialogue with negativity and manipulation: "I assume you’ll say no." It felt like she just needed someone to keep her company, and she didn't give a damn about my feelings. She was clearly offended that I didn't go running to her "on call" like I used to. After that, we stopped talking, though she sent a New Year's greeting and started watching my social media every single day.

Later, I discovered she was writing horrible, hateful comments to specific individuals online, attacking people who shared my views, and cursing them out for no reason. I wrote her a long letter about my feelings, my disappointment, and the pain of seeing that side of her. For 17 years, she called me her "best friend who she could truly be herself with." But the moment I finally spoke up about my feelings, she didn't even try to understand. She only talked about herself again and ended her reply with a veiled insult, attacking my character.

That’s the "gratitude" I got for 17 years of loyalty. She clearly wanted to hurt me one last time.

I’m attaching her responses to my letter:

"But we don't really communicate like that anyway. I don't understand what “communication” you are talking about. I don't know why you decided that you were just some “backup friend”. You were the only person I was talking to. And I wouldn't have kept imposing myself anymore anyway. I became disillusioned with the values that you hold dear a very long time ago, and those values have actually become repulsive to me. The fact that I might not respond for a while is some kind of sign to you. To me, it isn't. I've stopped sharing many things, and it's easier for me to withdraw into myself for a while. I also realized for myself that I won't be able to be the person you need as a friend.

If for you communication means just saying Happy New Year, I didn't know it was that serious. I won't send greetings anymore. I thought it was the right thing to do after so many years of knowing each other. I didn't want to ask you what happened because I would have been the one to blame, as usual. Why even ask? I just didn't want to talk back then. Maybe if you had less free time, you would have paid less attention to every little thing. I'm going through a difficult period in my life and I'm coping as best as I can, I didn't have the strength to hash things out with you, and with that job I had, I didn't have the time either.

I don't regret a single word of the comments I wrote. I'm writing from the bottom of my heart and soul. And I advise you to open your eyes wider and look a little further and deeper. I also get disappointed in certain individuals. In this laziness, stupidity, shortsightedness, and narrow-mindedness. Even if everything hadn't happened the way it did, we wouldn't have been able to keep talking anyway." - This was her response to my message, and we haven't spoken since

P.S. Our last conversation was 4 months ago. A few days ago, she suddenly started checking my stories right before and after her birthday. I feel she’s just being selfish and trying to remind me of her existence and her birthday

Am I wrong for finally seeing the manipulation in my long-term friendship?

Hey everyone. Honestly, I’m just devastated right now and really need some outside perspective. This is going to be a long one, so thanks to anyone who sticks through it.

I just ended a 17-year friendship. For nearly two decades, I was this girl’s “emotional container.” I spent countless hours listening to her constant drama, her depression, and her complaints about how life was unfair to her. She’d be in these dark states for years, but never actually did anything to change. I was always there, though sincerely worrying, supporting her, even letting her live at my place for a week after a bad breakup just so she wouldn’t have a total breakdown.

In return? I barely asked for anything. Except for one thing that kept hurting me: she’d constantly ignore my messages. She’d read them, stay active online, watch my stories, but wouldn’t reply for 3–4 days.

I finally had a "heart-to-heart" with her. I told her it made me feel invisible. She promised to try harder, but then, two weeks later same thing. My "how are you?" sat on read for days while she was posting stuff online. I felt physically sick from the disrespect and just deleted the messages. We didn't talk for a month until she sent a casual "what's new?" like nothing happened.

I started pulling away. Cold vibes, minimal effort. She noticed, but didn't even ask what was wrong for months. She only started "chasing" me again when she moved back to her mom's in a tiny town and got bored.

Here’s a snippet of our last "talk":

• Her: I was gonna ask to meet, but I bet you’ll say no, right?

• Me: I can meet. Is there something specific you want to talk about?

• Her: No. We’re not business partners. I just wanted to walk. I’m rarely in the city anyway.

• Me: It’s not about that. You’ve clearly noticed we aren't "us" anymore, so I’m wondering why you want to meet. If it’s just to walk around like nothing happened, I’m not interested.

• Her: Well, I did write to you. Why bother asking what's wrong when it's obvious you don't want to talk. Like I said, you’d just refuse.

The manipulation blew me away. "I assume you'll say no" starting the convo with guilt-tripping? It felt like she just needed a warm body to walk with because she was bored, and she didn't give a damn about my feelings.

Then I found out she’s been writing horrific, hateful comments to strangers online viciously attacking people for having different views. I wrote her a final letter, poured my heart out about my disappointment and how much it hurt to see this side of her. After 17 years of her calling me her "soul sister," she didn't even try to hear me. She turned it all back on me, called me "lazy and stupid," and gave me one last slap in the face.

I’m attaching her replies below. Check out what she said to me and what she writes to strangers (warning: it’s pretty dark).

The translation of her reply:

I don’t know why you think you were a 'backup.' You were actually the only one I talked to. But fine, I won't bother you anymore. Honestly, the values you care about so much? I got bored of them ages ago. They actually disgust me now. My silence isn't a 'sign,' I've just pulled away from everyone. If you’re really this upset over a New Year's text, I didn't realize it was that deep. I only sent it out of habit.

I didn't ask what was wrong because I knew I'd be the villain again. I just didn't want to talk. Maybe if you weren't so bored and had less free time, you wouldn't obsess over every little detail. I’m just surviving my own life right now. And yeah, I don't regret a single word I wrote to those strangers. I write from the heart. My advice? Open your eyes. People are lazy and narrow-minded. Even if this didn't happen, we were done anyway.

And here is the toxic comment she left for a stranger:

"Watch out, karma is real. You'll be visiting the cemetery soon not for Instagram photos, but to visit your husband's grave."

Am I crazy here? Was I too harsh, or was this 17-year "friendship" just a long-term lie?

P.S. Our last conversation, where she basically called me stupid and lazy, was 4 months ago. A few days ago, she suddenly started checking my social media stories right before and after her birthday. I bet she’s just being selfish and trying to remind me about herself and her birthday

Hey everyone. Honestly, I’m just devastated right now and really need some outside perspective. This is going to be a long one, so thanks to anyone who sticks through it.

I just ended a 17-year friendship. For nearly two decades, I was this girl’s “emotional container.” I spent countless hours listening to her constant drama, her depression, and her complaints about how life was unfair to her. She’d be in these dark states for years, but never actually did anything to change. I was always there, though sincerely worrying, supporting her, even letting her live at my place for a week after a bad breakup just so she wouldn’t have a total breakdown.

In return? I barely asked for anything. Except for one thing that kept hurting me: she’d constantly ignore my messages. She’d read them, stay active online, watch my stories, but wouldn’t reply for 3–4 days.

I finally had a "heart-to-heart" with her. I told her it made me feel invisible. She promised to try harder, but then, two weeks later same thing. My "how are you?" sat on read for days while she was posting stuff online. I felt physically sick from the disrespect and just deleted the messages. We didn't talk for a month until she sent a casual "what's new?" like nothing happened.

I started pulling away. Cold vibes, minimal effort. She noticed, but didn't even ask what was wrong for months. She only started "chasing" me again when she moved back to her mom's in a tiny town and got bored.

Here’s a snippet of our last "talk":

• Her: I was gonna ask to meet, but I bet you’ll say no, right?

• Me: I can meet. Is there something specific you want to talk about?

• Her: No. We’re not business partners. I just wanted to walk. I’m rarely in the city anyway.

• Me: It’s not about that. You’ve clearly noticed we aren't "us" anymore, so I’m wondering why you want to meet. If it’s just to walk around like nothing happened, I’m not interested.

• Her: Well, I did write to you. Why bother asking what's wrong when it's obvious you don't want to talk. Like I said, you’d just refuse.

The manipulation blew me away. "I assume you'll say no" starting the convo with guilt-tripping? It felt like she just needed a warm body to walk with because she was bored, and she didn't give a damn about my feelings.

Then I found out she’s been writing horrific, hateful comments to strangers online viciously attacking people for having different views. I wrote her a final letter, poured my heart out about my disappointment and how much it hurt to see this side of her. After 17 years of her calling me her "soul sister," she didn't even try to hear me. She turned it all back on me, called me "lazy and stupid," and gave me one last slap in the face.

I’m attaching her replies below. Check out what she said to me:

I don’t know why you think you were a 'backup.' You were actually the only one I talked to. But fine, I won't bother you anymore. Honestly, the values you care about so much? I got bored of them ages ago. They actually disgust me now. My silence isn't a 'sign,' I've just pulled away from everyone. If you’re really this upset over a New Year's text, I didn't realize it was that deep. I only sent it out of habit.

I didn't ask what was wrong because I knew I'd be the villain again. I just didn't want to talk. Maybe if you weren't so bored and had less free time, you wouldn't obsess over every little detail. I’m just surviving my own life right now. And yeah, I don't regret a single word I wrote to those strangers. I write from the heart. My advice? Open your eyes. People are lazy and narrow-minded. Even if this didn't happen, we were done anyway.

Am I crazy here? Was I too harsh, or was this 17-year "friendship" just a long-term lie?