u/Green-Interest2558

I’m currently 6 weeks pp.. I’ve been very thin my entire life. (Size 0 pre-pregnancy). I am now currently a size 8. I’m pretty short with a short torso, so the weight sits terribly on me. I look like a cow. Absolutely no clothes look good on me and any time I try to clothes shop it ends in me crying my eyes out and either leaving empty handed, or I buy things and when I try them on later I hate them and never end up wearing them or I take them back. I loved fashion. It was a hobby of mine to piece together outfits and do my makeup and put on accessories to match. I can no longer do that. All I do is sit at home and take care of the baby. I absolutely hate myself and every time I look in the mirror I bawl my eyes out, I’m absolutely disgusted with myself. I have episodes where I scream and cry so much and I get so frustrated I hit myself in the head… I know that sounds so incredibly stupid. (Tried to talk to my mom about it and she called me stupid). I genuinely hate myself so badly. It’s affecting every single thing in my daily life. It’s all I think about. I can’t shower without crying, I can’t get dressed without crying. I can’t do anything without crying. I think I am the ugliest person I have ever seen in my entire life. I can’t name one feature on myself Im even okay with because everything is just so fat. My boyfriend doesn’t understand at all and although he is here to listen, it’s really affecting our relationship. He says I’m “not the person he fell in love with”. I understand because im truly not. My personality and everything that made me who I am is just gone. Im a shell of who I once was. I’m always sad and irritable because I’m genuinely so angry at myself and until I lose this weight, I have no idea how I can find joy in life. It’s at the point I hate being alive. Has anyone else been through anything similar? If so, how did you overcome it? My boyfriend is making me go to his family’s Mother’s Day celebration this weekend and I have so much anxiety because I don’t want anyone to see me at all and I have no idea what I have to wear since I hate my entire body and myself in general so much. I don’t think I’m going to kill myself, but sometimes I really want to. I feel so bad for my baby. She deserves so much better than to have me as her mother. I don’t know what to do anymore.