I'm just so dark confused yaaar 🫡😭
I am writing this because my mind is going in circles and I need clarity.
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 11 months now. And honestly, she is amazing. She makes me feel loved, cared for, and important. Most of the time, I feel like I am truly chosen by her. This is not some casual thing for me. I genuinely love her for who she is and who she wants to become.
But today something happened and it triggered me badly.
So in the morning, she asked me to listen to some songs like Jhol and Nadaniyaan. Earlier she had told me that those songs were connected to her past situationship. I still listened and acted normal because I did not want to make her feel bad or uncomfortable.
Then she started talking about last year, specifically May 2025. And in almost every part of what she was saying, that guy was somehow present. She did not name him at first but it was obvious. Later she admitted it was him and even said that she has a very small soft corner for him.
I stayed calm on call. I did not react much. I even asked her if I had done something wrong but she said no, she was just thinking about him. Before hanging up, she said sorry and I forgave her. I told her I am fine.
But I was not fine.
After the call, everything hit me. I felt heavy and weird. I tried to cry but I do not even know how to cry properly. I was just holding a sofa, pulling my hair, feeling lost. Then I went to bathe and did something stupid like dipping my head in a bucket of water. I do not even know why. Maybe I just wanted the feeling to stop.
Later I went to class and for some time I felt better because my mind was occupied. But after coming back, I again listened to the same song and it made me feel worse. Then I made another mistake. I checked that guy's profile and saw that she had liked his stories even after we got together. That made my chest sink.
And then I went into a spiral. Started searching for sad songs, listening to stuff that just made everything heavier.
The worst part is not even the ex. It is the feeling that maybe I was never really the only one. Like maybe I was just an option at some point. She had other crushes in the past too, even during different phases of life, and my brain keeps connecting all that.
But at the same time, I know she loves me. She shows it. She cares for me. She chooses me every day. That is why I feel so confused.
Am I overthinking this too much
Was she just being comfortable and open with me
Or is it valid that I felt hurt when she kept bringing him up even after knowing that I am insecure about him
I do not think she is a bad person. I do not think she wanted to hurt me. But today really shook me.
I love her. I really do.
I just do not know how to deal with this feeling without messing things up.
TLDR: I am in a loving 11 month relationship and my girlfriend usually makes me feel valued and chosen, but today she talked a lot about her past situationship, mentioned having a small soft corner for him, and it triggered my insecurity badly. I tried to stay calm and supportive but later spiraled into overthinking, checking his profile, and feeling like I might just be an option. I know she loves me, so now I am confused whether I am overthinking or if my feelings are valid.