u/Great_Environment876

This is one of the worst pains I’ve felt. I’m grieving this baby more than I’ve grieved past family relatives. I feel so guilty because there’s a possibility she may have ingested Mr Super Clear sealant spray that was sprayed onto on my custom dolls. (It was dry) I took her to the vet last night when I immediately noticed her legarthy. The bill to just start running tests (429 for x rays and a visit) was of course insane and there was a small chance she would’ve survived anyways and I unfortunately could not afford it. They said it’s a POSSIBILITY it’s an upper respiratory infection so decided to pay for antibiotics and an oxygen supplement food for her and take her home so she could spend her last moments with her buddy. This morning (she was sleeping in my bed because I was monitoring her, I make her little forts that she’ll sleep in) she was not doing well at all and I gave her the medicine but I was not expecting a miracle. I know the antibiotics wouldn’t help if she DID ingest the chemical but I just wanted to take a shot at it. She then started to bounce around like crazy and I thought she was having a seizure, but she was running out of oxygen. I could hear the second she stopped living, and the whites of her eyes melted to red. This is truly the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed happened to an animal let alone a gerbil. I simply cannot get this image out of my head and I truly do not know how I can live with myself knowing I could’ve been the reason she died. I hate myself. I actually hate myself now. I love her so fucking much and love the people who see the importance in gerbils and other small pets, they do so much for us and save us in so many ways. We don’t deserve animals. I did everything I could and made sure she passed in her comfy spot. But I can’t help but start scream crying when I remember how she died. No living thing on this planet should die this way. Another reason I feel so incredibly guilty is not having her put down, but I thought there was a chance of her living so I feel so selfish and I also wanted her to see her gerbil sister for one last time and have her be comfortable. I regret it. Seeing a helpless gerbil jump for air then die and go limp something I’d rather die to than witness again. I’m not joking. I know I’m dramatic but holy shit it broke me. I can’t do anything but cry and hold her body. My last gerbil that passed, I had put to sleep because I knew she would die painfully. I should’ve done the same for bubba. (Bubba was her name). I’m so sorry if this put a damper on your day, but literally nobody I know cares about gerbils and just says I’m sorry with 0 compassion. I’m not expecting anything crazy but what some people don’t understand is that these special animals save us from suicide so often. She truly did play a role in keeping me here. Again, sounds selfish…but I don’t know how. Else to put my love for her. I need a hug. Any comments are so so appreciated as I am fresh off antidepressants and this is really bringing things below an all time low for me. Not to sound selfish-I just need to connect some people and know that it’s okay even though I feel like a monster and don’t know if I will ever recover. Thank you so much for reading this. Also, for my other baby, I’m conflicted. I need to find a gerbil around her age since I don’t want to get a baby then have the older one pass and leave the baby and become a never ending cycle. If anyone had any suggestions it’s greatly appreciated.