Hi everyone,
I hope I've found the right place because I really need to get this off my chest, and I could really use some support. I (F32) am in a pretty dark place in my life right now, internally, and the noose is beginning to tighten. I'm completely alone and feel like I have no one I can talk to, no one who understands me. On the outside it looks like life is going great, because I finally fulfilled a lifelong dream of living in France. I don't really have many friends though. Almost no one checks up on me ever. I don't have a mom. My only family is my dad, and we haven't been close in years. All his time is dedicated to my younger brother. And yes, I've tried many times. Ive tried to reach out to him, to friends, hell even to my ex boyfriend who understood me better than anyone else. But everyone has their own life, it feels like everyone else is moving forward and I'm stuck in one place.
It's really hard to describe what I'm going through. But I just feel like a failure. Like my life wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I feel utterly lost, empty, behind, but worst of all--tired. I'm tired of everything. I don't understand how I arrived at this point in my life: suddenly in my 30s, single, unmarried no children, and still I only made it to France because of an internship that pays shit. All my IG "friends" and distant family must think I'm living my dream here and well-off, when the reality is last year I barely fucking made under $10,000. The singular reason I'm still afloat is because of my years' worth of savings. (To be honest, i knew that the cost of living in Europe was cheaper than the US, and that's one big reason i left.) I had been saving for a house with my former boyfriend of 7 years--before he cheated on me and shattered my illusion of our future together. If you asked little me how I imagined my life today, she would have said I'd be a millionaire by now. That I'd have my house, my family and a great job by now.
And here I am, with nothing to show for myself.
I can't keep going like this. I've been applying for months to find another job. It's not like I'm an idiot or inexperienced; I've been working half my life. I have a bachelor's degree in science. I have masters level training in neuroscience for Christ's sake. There are people younger than me, much less educated than me, who are making much more than me.
I used to be so passionate about life. I've always tried my best to be kind, giving (putting other people before myself). These days It just feels like my life is worthless, and what's the point of any of this. I'm falling apart slowly each day. Moving to France didn't cause this, but perhaps it uncovered and forced me to face something I've been burying too long. Not sure if it matters, but I am ND. I've survived serious traumas and always been told how "resilient" I am. But now, I'm just. So. Tired.
There's so much more that has contributed to these feelings but this post is long enough. I don't want to give up, and I don't want to do something permanent. But if I can't find a job soon, if I can't find my place in this world, I don't know what I'll do. If you have any pragmatic advice for me, on how to unf*ck my life, I'm all ears.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Please try to be gentle. This is a really delicate time for me.