I'm curious as to what people experienced while in a delirious state. What did you see? What happened? I'll share mine as it was very disturbing and altered me.
I had my third bilateral treatment (9th total) on a Friday. That weekend I don't remember anything, but my family said I was odd, coming out of my room and looking confused then going back.
The next Monday I was scheduled for another treatment. I just felt off, sick, something was wrong. My memory is flashy. They told me I wasn't going to have the treatment and to go to the ER. After that I was in a black prison, nothing all around me, no ceiling, floors, walls, just blackness. I was all alone, but there was a blurry/foggy window in front of me. I knew I was in a health facility and could see shadows moving around. I knew they were nurses and doctors and I knew my sister was with me as she was driving me to the sessions. I couldn't hear any of them.
On my left hand, where I had the IV done, I had two options, one in different fingers. They were choices. One was to go through with the ECT treatment and maybe die. The other was simply die. For many years I have wanted to die. I would say to people, "If death came knocking, I'd answer and tell you all See ya!" Here it was. I had the chance to just die, that simple. But I started thinking about the people that it would hurt for me to just die so suddenly and unexpectedly, my niece, nephew, mother, sister, brother, friends. My sister would call them with that dreaded phone call, "Granstereski (not my real name) just died. He just died!" How selfish would I have to be to choose that and make them all go through that suffering? I couldn't do it. I wanted to choose it so badly.. Here's my chance! I couldn't do that to them. And I couldn't choose the second option as it could result in the same thing! I didn't know what to do but wait it out and hope they could help me. But I couldn't talk to them. I didn't know if they could hear me. I started screaming out, "Trust my sister!" If they had questions on how to treat me, I trusted that my sister would make the appropriate decision for me. "Trust my sister!", I kept yelling.
It felt like such a long time being in that blackness alone. Hours, days, weeks, years? I didn't know, but it felt like a long, long time. It was so lonely and hard. I kept being prompted to choose, temped. I honestly felt like I was between life and death. It wasn't like a dream. I was there.
My sister took some videos of it as I instructed her to do. It's disturbing to see myself so lost in my mind. I see the blank look on my face and know where my mind was stuck. I hear myself screaming, "Trust my sister!" and remember the desperation I had in the moment, crying out for any help I could get.
Eventually I came out of it. I don't remember much. The next few weeks were hard. I didn't have more ECT sessions, but I was not right. I was more emotional, anxious, and depressed than ever. That has all cleared up now though, 3 years later I'm doing as good as I was before ECT...not good, but staying alive.
I realized though that I don't have that same desire for death, at least not that way. I know I can't kill myself. I know I can't die so suddenly, at least not on purpose. I know I don't want others to suffer my death like how terrified I am of suffering theirs. There's a sense of relief that I can't want that anymore. I can't think about that anymore.