u/Gothinadeathhawk

[Im open to advice and constructive criticism, thank you in advance for reading :]]

[I dedicate this work to my recently dead pet duck, im sorry I wasnt fast enough, I wish I had caught the fox and freed you, I saw in your eye how scared you were, I wish I had a gouge in my arm from the fox and you in the paddock where you belong than for you to have suffered your fate. I miss you and i love you.]

If you had asked me to go out with him when I met him, no amount of money could have convinced me, after a while he called me mossy. I think he grew on me. I think I grew on him... he kissed me after all so I must have.

A kiss turned to looks, to caring words, to sneaky hugs and cuddles. All hidden from those around us, we were never together but I think he loved me... I think I did to, but I dont know, I was young, the spoils of youth are without the wrinkles and scars of wisdom.

The cold shock of salt never gets better, no matter how many times you visit the Atlantic, but you learn to love it.

He started taking me with him sea swimming. I needed to get out of the house more, so why not?

Field, field, field of gorse, rocks, changing, jagged rocks, cold... how wonderful it was.

It was a normal evening, height of summer filled with the sweet sticky smell of fresh fruit and growth, the island a fertile greenhouse, where the possibilities were endless, and we felt eternal.

Out to the old heads and down , where fishermen lazed and gulls gawped, we had done it hundreds of times. Nothing new. Nothing different. The weight of the salt on my chest. Happyness in my heart.

The sudden silence and absence of the wildlife was the only sign something was wrong.

He resurfaced beside me, however it took me a few seconds to realise it was only his head.

I dont know Why I didnt scream.

Then again there was nothing to hear my pleas but the brambles.

That thing, its brilliant... eye?

Even now I dont know what to call or compare any of its parts to.

It wouldn't leave me.

The muscles clinging to the rocks gouged my flesh as I scrambled out of the water, up the jagged rock to our things, I glanced back, its thick scales mocked both rock and shell, an impenetrable fortress, I would have thought it rock had I not seen its tounge slither and taste the warm, adrenaline filled blood i discarded in my haste. Maybe it thought it was an offering.

Field of gorse, field, field, village, road, road, home.

Everyone saw me, called the gaurds when I ran through, bloodied, crying, terrified. They traced my footsteps back to the old heads, and found it, confused as to why I ran.

Playing the fool.

Wearing his face.

I got mandatory counselling. It took his place, his relationships, his jobs, his college place, his hobbies, his body, all but short of his mind.

No one believed me, not like I told many. All it ever did was earn myself more hours with Dr. Maloy.

It was in my room, waiting for me one night, my mother had let it in, and had told it to wait for me, it wanted to 'see how I was', the newly diagnosed schizophrenic, the meds to match.

I closed the door and it smiled.

"How are you doing?" It used his voice

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to see how my best friend is"

"Your not my friend, he was"

"Where is all this coming from?"

"I know your not him, no amount of drugs can make me forget what happened"

It smiled

It almost tore his lip

It didnt wear him well

It came closer.

"Don't!"

It didn't listen, I screamed, and screamed, but alone i stood against this thing as it lerched towards me. I raised my arm, defending, instinct taking the wheel. It bit my forearm, not enough to do more damage than a prick of every tooth.

When it recoiled I slammed my fist into its snout, to which it cursed me, as it deflated, flattening in his skin, and in a crawling slither, escaped through my window.

I hadn't seen it further than in passing in college. The wound it left has scabbed over, however it had a thick, deep green puss that oozed, periodically filling the gaps of the surrounding skin, pooling in my pores and sticking to my clothes.

I didn't know what to do, so I let it grow, I let the pustules grow and infect, one for every pierce its plaque covered teeth left.

I was scared, terrified, I just wanted to ignore it, i didnt want to deal with the wounds.

I didn't want to admit it happened.

I didn't want to earn more time in counciling.

I think the thing that fucked me up most was nobody noticed, nobody noticed his chance, nobody noticed my arm, nobody noticed

or maybe nobody cared.

The abcesses grew to golfballs when the foetuses started to become visible, the unwanted tadpoles. Over the next weeks the tennis ball sized, trancelucent wombs displayed Its sickening kin.

I think one of them had my nose,

its eyes.

When they began to stretch my skin is when I decided action. All sharp objects had been taken from me, so the wire of the coat hanger and basin was scalpel and medicine to my affliction.

I drained the bile and almost life from my arm, horific neon purple sluge mixed with the deeper red of my own soul, blending to create my next fortnights restless nightmares.

I sat freeing myself from shackles one link at a time, until all that was left was a pain in my wombs and postpartum.

It hung itself, in his parents garage, his father saw what was left and I think he understood me, the casket was closed, I knew he knew, it was closed because opening it would prove we were only burying a pelt, mourning a man who had been dead for many months.

It would prove me right.

It slithered to my window that night, I let it in, rubbed my triumph, the dead of its our kin in its face.

It wept over the basin and hissed at me, it spat a venom not unlike the prior at me.

This one however had a much worse effect.

I killed it soon after, it stalked and tried to impregnate its teeth in me again, until I did the same unto it, ripping out its equivalent to a throat, the cold ichor of its bile blood cascading as i tore iron scales using

Its own claws and similar teeth until i gouged out its hard, sharp, pump for its bile. leaving it for dead as slits grew to pain my neck and remind me its mark was still to be seen.

The changes became too much for me to hide, my behaviour ever scrutinised, my dosage reaching heights that made even the chemist gaze down at my evolving form in disgust.

My toes first welded together, then my fingers followed suit, as my thighs tried to do the same, while my skin peeled at an accelerating rate until I could feel it ready to slough off to reveal the sickening scales I could see waiting to be freed from under their wrapping.

It was late, dreams filled my parents head as I fled out the window.

Road, school, road, village, road, field, field, field of gorse.

The cold welcomed me as salt filled the new gashes in my neck, I have never breathed more clearly in my life.

I know what I have to do.

I swim, along the coast, I swim, past the rocks, past the beaches I had visited ever since I was a child, so many memories, slipping by the sands of my mind, resting in the settlement of my freezing, sharpening, hardening, heart. Even now as I try to navigate the events leading to this, my mind, my memories, too muddied to recall clearly.

All marine life silenced as I pass.

They know my path was a death march.

I swim past my college, taking a moment to remember my wasted potential, all I could have been if I had not led the creature on, all I could have been if I had killed it sooner, all I could have been if I had been better.

I swim to the isle of the naval base.

My final stand, perched on whatever was leftover of my feet, the sprouting fin slows, but does nothing to stop me,

as tortchlight shines,

and men from their posts shout

"HALT, THIS IS A MILITARY BASE, YOU ARE CURRENTLY TRESSPASSING, RETUN TO THE WATER OR YOUR BOAT NOW OR WE WILL SHOOT"

I think the kindest thing god ever did for me was give me the strength to keep marching, and the men the balls to pull the trigger.

Flair in the dark

This warmth in my chest, my heart

Is this what love was suppose to feel like?