u/GotheeRose

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 years and have two kids together. We’ve known each other since high school. I still love him deeply, which is what makes this so difficult, but I honestly feel emotionally stuck and I don’t know if our relationship is becoming unhealthy beyond repair.

A huge issue lately is that I no longer feel emotionally or sexually connected to him, and I think a lot of it comes from the way he talks to me during conflicts or everyday situations.

I have ADHD, and recently I was talking with our son while listening to him tell me a story. Afterward, I asked my son if he could help take down some decorations. Later my boyfriend told me he doesn’t want our son “talking like me” because of my ADHD. Another time after an argument he told me he had “made a mistake,” and later admitted he meant having kids with me.

Comments like that stay in my head constantly. Then later he wants physical intimacy, but emotionally I still feel hurt and disconnected from the things he says to me. I don’t feel emotionally safe or emotionally wanted in the relationship anymore, and it has completely affected my attraction and desire for intimacy.

We also currently live with his family, and the environment itself is stressful and unstable. There’s constant tension, very little privacy, and a lot of unresolved issues in the house overall. I’ve started trying to look for work because I feel anxious about our future and want more stability for myself and our children.

Another issue is that our goals around stability seem very different lately. I want structure, long-term planning, and eventually our own place. He hates thinking about the bills when that’s life and everyone deals with bills to live. He doesn’t really want a traditional long hours job and avoids a lot of things connected to systems/government structure, while I’m sitting here panicking about our future and trying to figure out how to create security for our kids because I no longer what to live with others. I want my own safe place.

We are currently in couples therapy every two weeks, but honestly we both struggle with actually applying the work outside of therapy sessions, so it feels like we keep repeating the same cycle.

There are also unresolved conflict issues from a complicated situation during a time we were separated involving someone we both knew (this person is no longer in our life or in the same state). It’s honestly too complicated to fully explain in one post, but it still affects our relationship today and likely contributes to some of the emotional distance between us. If needed I can explain more privately.
Ps. Anytime I bring up how I feel, I get something along the lines of “that’s your feeling” or “I didn’t make you feel that way” and then I feel I’m taking things wrong.

I guess my question is
Can a relationship realistically recover once emotional safety and attraction start disappearing, even if the love is still there? Has anyone been in a situation where therapy wasn’t really helping because the actual day to day behavior never changed?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 years and have two kids together. We’ve known each other since high school. I still love him deeply, which is what makes this so difficult, but I honestly feel emotionally stuck and I don’t know if our relationship is becoming unhealthy beyond repair.

A huge issue lately is that I no longer feel emotionally or sexually connected to him, and I think a lot of it comes from the way he talks to me during conflicts or everyday situations.

I have ADHD, and recently I was talking with our son while listening to him tell me a story. Afterward, I asked my son if he could help take down some decorations. Later my boyfriend told me he doesn’t want our son “talking like me” because of my ADHD. Another time after an argument he told me he had “made a mistake,” and later admitted he meant having kids with me.

Comments like that stay in my head constantly. Then later he wants physical intimacy, but emotionally I still feel hurt and disconnected from the things he says to me. I don’t feel emotionally safe or emotionally wanted in the relationship anymore, and it has completely affected my attraction and desire for intimacy.

We also currently live with his family, and the environment itself is stressful and unstable. There’s constant tension, very little privacy, and a lot of unresolved issues in the house overall. I’ve started trying to look for work because I feel anxious about our future and want more stability for myself and our children.

Another issue is that our goals around stability seem very different lately. I want structure, long-term planning, and eventually our own place. He hates thinking about the bills when that’s life and everyone deals with bills to live. He doesn’t really want a traditional long hours job and avoids a lot of things connected to systems/government structure, while I’m sitting here panicking about our future and trying to figure out how to create security for our kids because I no longer what to live with others. I want my own safe place.

We are currently in couples therapy every two weeks, but honestly we both struggle with actually applying the work outside of therapy sessions, so it feels like we keep repeating the same cycle.

There are also unresolved conflict issues from a complicated situation during a time we were separated involving someone we both knew (this person is no longer in our life or in the same state). It’s honestly too complicated to fully explain in one post, but it still affects our relationship today and likely contributes to some of the emotional distance between us. If needed I can explain more privately.
Ps. Anytime I bring up how I feel, I get something along the lines of “that’s your feeling” or “I didn’t make you feel that way” and then I feel I’m taking things wrong.

I guess my question is
Can a relationship realistically recover once emotional safety and attraction start disappearing, even if the love is still there? Has anyone been in a situation where therapy wasn’t really helping because the actual day to day behavior never changed?