I spent way too long tonight just staring at my cad workstation after the fans finally died down and the house went quiet . There is this specific type of stillness that only happens after midnight when even the cat stops wandering around and just settles on the rug near my feet . I was looking at some old project folders from two years ago and it is weird how much has changed since I first started as a bim engineer . Back then everything felt like a massive technical hurdle but now the struggles are more about the mental weight of keeping everything organized while the world outside feels like it is moving too fast .
I tried to lose myself in some dota 2 matches earlier but even the competitive rush felt a bit hollow today like I am just going through the motions to avoid thinking about actual life . My sister mentioned something about family dinner next week and I already feel that familiar pressure building up in my chest because I know I will have to answer the same old questions about work and plans while I am still trying to figure out what I even want for breakfast tomorrow . I think I will just smoke one last cigarette and try to appreciate the fact that for right now at least nobody is asking anything of me and the models on my screen are the only thing I have to solve . It is not exactly happiness but it is a kind of peace that I have learned to live with .