u/Good_Net_313

Good morning, sunshine 🌞. No, don’t freak out. Take a deep breath, and put the gun down. I know it’s empty— I checked. No, I didn’t break in. You left your bathroom window unlocked. That’s technically not breaking in, I think. Well, agree to disagree. Doesn’t matter. Have a seat. We need to talk. Coffee? No? Suit yourself.

I’ll cut right to the chase: you’ve been getting bad advice from people on the internet. Shocking, I know. But I’m serious here. There’s this really weird thing happening where losers online are giving absolutely terrible advice to watch collectors. Deranged stuff like this:

“Wear what you like.”

I know it seems innocuous. Healthy, even. But you’re wrong.

Here’s the thing, pal: You need to let me pick your next watch. And your next next watch’s And the one after that. Forever.

Why? Oh man, where to even start.

Look at you. Smart. Successful. Financially secure enough to have hobbies. Dedicated father. Good neighbor. Owns an electric toothbrush. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you just don’t have what it takes to pick your next watch.

Me, on the other hand? I’m all watches all the time, baby. Flatlined career. No kids. Frustrated. Deep in debt after a couple of poorly timed commodities investments. Middle-aged and posting on Reddit all day. Wife hates me.

I’m built for this.

I’ve thought more about your next watch purchase than anyone you’ve ever known. I live for this. No, really. I need this. Picking your next watch is all I have. And you don’t get to just rip that away from me.

Let’s get back to the way things were. You tell me about some watches you like, maybe show me your collection. You ask me what beautiful piece you should add to your hard earned collection. And then you let me work my magic.

After looking at your watches for two seconds I am able to form no less than 45 unkind and contradictory opinions about you, your collection, and the watches you think you want. This one’s too small. That one is also too small, but also too big. Bad specs. Good specs. Date window ugly. No date impractical. These are all wrong.

Rolex sub? Too heavy. How can you even keep your arm attached to your body?

Tudor GMT? *spits on ground*

Speedmaster? Great choice, if you like setting money on fire. Some of us are still trying to recover from the collapse of soybean futures. It’s honestly insulting.

Stop trying to pick your own watch. It’s pathetic. You need something good. Something real. You need the watch that I would buy if the whole soybean thing had worked out.

What watch is that, you ask?

You really want to know?

Just ask me what watch you should buy.

Glad we cleared the air. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to hit another couple of houses in this neighborhood before the sun comes up.