I don't think you realise what you do to me.
It's not in an obvious way. Not like you're trying to make me happy. But somehow just talking to you, having you in my day, does it. A quiet kind of happiness. The one that settles in without asking. I hate how much I've come to need it. Somewhere along the lines it wasn't the nice casual chats, it became something I relied on. Something I was obsessed with.
I want to talk to you all the time. I catch myself holding my phone as second nature hoping it is you on the other side. I want to be the first person you message in the morning and the last person you think of at night. I want it to be natural to you, the same it is for me. But maybe it will never be.
You don't reach for me as I do for you. Not really. If I have a busy day or don't message first, everything just goes quiet. No check-ins, nothing to show you even noticed the space left behind. When we do talk, it feels like I'm the one carrying it, dragging the words out of you, stretching a reply just to keep it alive just a little longer.
It has been four months now. Four months of starting every conversation. Four months of wondering if I should stop just to see if you notice. Four months of waiting just for your reply. I tell myself that I'm overthinking. I must be, because if something was there, I wouldn't be questioning it this much. Surely?
But then you give me those moments. Small things. A reply that feels a little more genuine. A conversation that goes on till the early hours of dawn. Just enough to make me think. Maybe just maybe. But that maybe keeps me here. Stuck somewhere in between. Not just a friend but never anything more. I beg for signs. Something clear. Something that tells me for certain where you are with me. I need this. As right now, it feels like I'm trying to understand something that was never there for me.
I want to tell you. My God I do, cause maybe that will clear things up. Clear up that I think about you more than I should. That your presence affects me more than anyone could ever want it to. How even the smallest interactions can shift my entire day.
But I won't. No. I never will. If I say it out loud, it becomes real. and if its real then there's a chance that I can lose what we have. Lose you.
I'm not ready to risk that.
So instead, i will stay where I am. Close enough to feel something but not close enough to call it mine. Hoping, even when I know better. Waiting still, even when nothing changes. That might be the hardest thing. Not that I don't know how you feel, but that deep down, I think I already do.