I feel like no matter how hard I try, and no matter how well I actually have everything, I just can't find happiness or peace within myself.
This post might be slightly messy to read but I have been struggling to structure my thoughts and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything.
For about 3.5 years I have been consistently having suicidal thoughts. It was only extremely active in certain timeframes where I really thought I would kill myself, and I constantly felt fear and pressure. Otherwise it was mostly a thought that consistently lingered in the back of my mind, mostly annoying.
Even when I tried doing everything right by filling my life with supposedly fulfilling habits and activities, I can't help but feel emptiness and sadness. I regularly exercise, study, do sport, read, and much more. Furthermore I also set feasible yet slightly ambitious goals for myself academically for my future career (I am 19 for reference), but I still feel so empty simply being alive everyday.
Only deep human connections like relationships were what kept going. I just yearn to support someone and connect at such a deep, personal level. Yet it feels like things never work out for me regardless of the amount of effort I put in. I wasted 2.5 years in a highly controlling, toxic relationship which I recently got over and so I was ready for a fresh start. I started to meet someone new, this girl was so resilient and so sweet. I poured my heart into being supportive and being there for her. She showed her vulnerable sides to me and lost her virginity to me. Then about a month later, she broke up with me like this because of her own mental health issues I was ready to help her with. I understood her side, it was honest and genuine, but it still hurt so bad. I hate when things don't work out even when I try my best. It always ends up feeling like I am simply lacking somewhere, whether its my looks, my personality, my effort, my status, everything.
My relationship with my parents is pretty good, they both support me financially, emotionally a bit less, but they try their best, mostly.
I know that I don't have things that bad and thats why I feel even more guilts. I don't understand why I am unhappy and empty even though I am supported and do everything that I can. I just don't know what I can do anymore. It sometimes feels like I am so fixated on relationships because I find value within myself by being supportive and thus feel useful / needed. This is a stark contrast to the ambitions I have, whether it is becoming a professor in the future, or something else, I don't find joy or passion from the thought or process. It feels right, but the thought of it doesn't bring me joy.
I no longer see myself amounting to anything or achieving anything anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm scared that when I'm weak I will end up giving up. It feels like I have been running a marathon my whole life and now I'm really starting to slow down no matter how hard I try.