Please help. I'm in despair and horrible grief following the passing of my 15 year old mastiff pit mix, Moose. He and his sister grew with us through dating, marriage, home ownership, parenthood x3, building a new home; they are at the foundation of our relationship. He was our boy, everything he did made us laugh, and he gave us hope and love every single day for the 13 years he gave us after rescuing him from a nyc kill shelter. He was mischievous and accident prone. He overcame multiple dire situations in his lifetime, fighting and surviving at least 4 different instances of near death, and several close calls. His most recent was a week before his passing. He suddenly developed bloat, retched and paced and we rushed him to the closest emergency vet, 45 mins away. While en route our regular vet and the ER vet called, both forewarning euthanasia was likely. By some miracle his stomach hadn't flipped, but they kept him overnight to tube his belly. He passed the gas on his own and ended up not being tubed, surviving the ordeal on his own, nonetheless costing $2300. We were over the moon to have another near death missed.
I was instructed to feed chicken and rice for 3 days, but ended up doing so for the entire week following, and he was doing great. On Sunday, the night before he passed, I introduced a little kibble to the chicken and rice as the vet instructed was safe to do, and he because he was very interested in his sister's kibble. He puked overnight (not uncommon for him due to GI issues with his arthritis meds) and was a little off the following morning but not retching or pacing or bloated. He was up and about, interested in food and water. I again added a small bit of kibble to his chicken and rice with a small mix of his usual "easy digestion" wet food. About an hour later his abdomen bloated. He was uncomfortable but not retching or pacing. Since he wasn't pacing or otherwise in distress, our vet suggested allowing him to rest to see if he moves the gas on his own again. He began to cry out in pain a bit later, and passed a little gas. His pain seemed to subside and he remained calm, sleeping for about 20-30 mins. He cried out again and I rushed my mother in law over (lives next door) to take my 3 young kids and my husband rushed home from work to bring him to the vet with me. I truly thought he'd recover, but selfishly feared having to put him down alone, and for my husband to not have the chance to say goodbye. My 4 year old prolonged the leave and was very confused about what was going on, crying, refusing to go with his grandmother and wanting to stay with Moose. We felt it important to help him understand, but looking back I wish we'd used that precious time to stay focused on Moose and handled our son's emotions when we returned. The 45 min drive to the vet took over an hour due to traffic. In that time he worsened, crying out in more frequent bouts. I held and consoled him but could see in his eyes this time was different. Upon arriving the vet said he was in very bad shape and the most humane way out of it was euthanasia. It floored me, as I was hoping for a quick x-ray and stomach tube to relieve the gas and allow his vitals to recover. The vet explained that helping him recover would have cost many more thousands, and if he made it through, his quality of life would have been very poor before a likely recurrence. I'm accepting euthanasia was the right choice, but I am choking on pain, sadness, and guilt every second of the day for the pain he endured in the hours before his passing, and for even giving him the kibble at all. I had an apprehension when adding it, and should have listened to my gut. I feel I put him in the position of bloating again by adding kibble despite my gut feeling, and I allowed him to endure pain while waiting to see if he passed the gas on his own again before rushing him to the vet. From onset of bloated abdomen to his passing was 4 hours, including the long drive. I am grieving him harder than any human I've lost, unable to eat or stop crying, and feel his death is my fault. My husband is so supportive and reassuring, but I can't help but feel like I'm a major component in his passing. I'm gutted for the pain I've caused him, my family, and our other dog, who is also 15 and now grieving, as she's been bonded with Moose since the day we rescued him. I appreciate anyone who read this novel, and for anyone who can offer some advice on how to cope with this.
(As a side note, he struggled with hind end mobility and received his first Librela injection a couple weeks prior to his first bloat incident. It improved his mobility quite a bit almost immediately. It very well could be coincidence. I mention because he'd had GI issues regularly, but never became distended or bloated prior to Librela.)