u/Glass-Refuse1994

Around 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic, progressive disease. I felt lost and confused, and tried to find some way forward.

That was why I started reading Sartre. I implemented his maxim "existence precedes essence" - it was a wake up call for me, I became focused on my mortality and wanted to achieve things that were important for me, as a way of defining myself, before the disease destroys me.

However, this extreme focus on my goals was a fragile position - if the world says no to my objectives, the whole "essence" part collapses - I become nothing. And, of course, the world often says no.

7 years after the diagnosis, the final collapse of my worldview happened - several crushing defeats happened in literally all crucial areas of my life. It's funny that it wasn't the disease that destroyed me, it was my worldview that led to internal breakdown.

And now the funniest part - I now have more than everything I ever wanted, but it means nothing for me. I literally don't care.

So my question is: did Bazarov intentionally infect himself?

I was completely certain that the answer is yes when I finished reading the book, but now I see that there is no clear answer.

However, here are my arguments for yes:

1. Look at Bazarov's discussions and behavior after confessing his love to Anna - he progressively started talking about the meaninglessness of life and couldn't even work anymore. He lost the only stable ground he had in life: his reason betrayed him.

2. Bazarov was highly educated and intelligent, yet he made an extremely stupid mistake by not taking preventive measures before infecting himself.

3. He wanted to see Anna before dying. This is my interpretation: he saw his death as the only opportunity for receiving love from her. After she kissed him, only then he could die peacefully.

What do you think?

I've read several of Berdyaev's books and it still feels like his idea of creative act is empty - everything can be understood as objectification if you try hard enough.

What exactly would count as creative act in our everyday lives? Yes, I am familiar with his formal definition, but it feels too vague.

It's the following discussion with Dr Rieux:

- "Your victories will always be temporary. 

- I know that. That alone is not a reason for a man to stop fighting. 

- I can imagine what this plague must mean to you. 

- Continuous defeat."

Is's fascinating to me for two reasons:

1. It's a great presentation of Camus's interpretation of the myth of Sisyphus. Just as Sisyphys rolls the rock to the top of the mountain only for it to roll down every time, Dr Rieux wakes up every morning and experiences a defeat after defeat in treating the infected citizens. However, this absurd situation is not a reason for giving up. Dr Rieux's efforts were a dignified rebellion against the world.

2. I was thinking about the COVID pandemic in this context. People wanted quick solutions - they couldn't look into the abyss. We wanted a stable ground beneath our feet - conspiracy theories, "magical" cures, excessive belief in masks and vaccines served this purpose. However, we dealt with continuous defeats, there was no stable ground. And the only right stance was to be like Dr Rieux: to wake up every day and stil do our part when it comes to fighting the pandemic.

It's the following discussion with Dr Rieux:

- "Your victories will always be temporary. 

- I know that. That alone is not a reason for a man to stop fighting. 

- I can imagine what this plague must mean to you. 

- Continuous defeat."

Is's fascinating to me for two reasons:

1. It's a great presentation of Camus's interpretation of the myth of Sisyphus. Just as Sisyphys rolls the rock to the top of the mountain only for it to roll down every time, Dr Rieux wakes up every morning and experiences a defeat after defeat in treating the infected citizens. However, this absurd situation is not a reason for giving up. Dr Rieux's efforts were a dignified rebellion against the world.

2. I was thinking about the COVID pandemic in this context. People wanted quick solutions - they couldn't look into the abyss. We wanted a stable ground beneath our feet - conspiracy theories, "magical" cures, excessive belief in masks and vaccines served this purpose. However, we dealt with continuous defeats, there was no stable ground. And the only right stance was to be like Dr Rieux: to wake up every day and stil do our part when it comes to fighting the pandemic.