I feel I am not a good human being. There is this false sense of superiority and entitlement I have since I am a single child. Every day this is becoming an issue for me. Even when I don't want to do it I think it's either in my nature or has become second nature that I end up doing things that hurt my closed ones specially my parents. I always want to see them happy and make their life comfortable but ended up hurting them.
I am unkind, ungrateful, selfish and mean. This habit of criticism and nitpicking I know is not good but no matter how much I try to control I end up doing it. Probably that's the reason I am a loser and good for nothing.
That's why I have 0 friends and 0 social circle and live in isolation. Probably because no one wants to be with me because of my nature or the way I come across. I don't want to continue like this. It's not a nice feeling to hear that you are a burden and because of you someone has stopped doing things or lack happiness in their life. It's not a nice feeling to see someone slapping themselves because of you and you stand there numb watching everything specially when it's your parent.I never wanted it. I am ok to be at the receiving end but I don't want anyone to hurt themselves because of me. That's the guilt I'll carry for the rest of my life.
I don't want to hurt my parents who are helpless ang growing old. They don't deserve this. I always used to wonder why i dont have materialistic things or why others have this and that and I dont. Now I understand may be I don't deserve because of the way I am. I have no one to talk to hence i am venting here. I don't think I need any sympathy. May be mind or ego wants validation or sympathy but heart doesn't want it.
I don't know how to get out of this vicious loop. I know fault lies in me. I am just a bad person. Really bad person or may be an imposter.