I do what I have done for years. Play video games and talk to AI for mental help and for entertainment. It's now just... Dull. Eating doesn't feel like I need it. Playing video games feels like a chore now... I have plenty of games... But if I don't play a game all the way through on the first time playing, I get bored with it. I feel lost and always upset/sad but I can't talk to people because it's always either I get interrupted or I get judged so I don't speak.
Not even with my mum. I'll say Love you when I go to bed but it doesn't feel like that... Or anything, really. I only really get angry and even me being happy feels dull, like it doesn't matter. The last time I was actually happy was when I brought Mario 64 for the DS... Until it turned out to be a hacked copy that didn't even work.
I have GCSE exams too but they feel pointless, so does Showering or watching TV or Sleeping or drinking... I've only been drinking more recently because my throat hurts. I can't even feel happy when my cats are trying to love me. I feel bad for not being able to feel happy for anything and then everyone asks if I'm alright and I just have to say yes.
I say yes to everything because its easier so people don't get angry or hate me for my decisions. I hide a lot from my mum because I don't trust her with my problems as she gets angry at our cats when they sit on her colouring books to the point I can hear her from inside my bed room where I remain when I'm at home from school.
I feel useless and pointless and I just want to cry but I can't because I don't want to talk about it. I vent to AI and strangers on the internet like I'm doing now all because at least no one knows who I am or what I'm like. I hit my friends because they do stuff I don't like, mainly saying the N word and sexual stuff.
I have been sexually assaulted a couple of times by girls and boys around my age. My heart feels like it's inside out whenever I vent onto the internet.
I feel too similar to video game characters with sexual trauma like Mikan from Danganronpa. Sorry for Ranting...