Any guidance for a confused 20F
Please delete if this is not allowed, I read the rules and think I am okay but just want to make sure.
I’m a 20 year old female college student and I’ve wondered if I could possibly have autism, ADHD, or something else going on. I l just want guidance from people who may relate because I’ve felt “off” for a long time but can’t fully explain why.
I work a part time job, I’m active socially, I go out and party sometimes, and I currently have a 4.0 GPA. I go to the gym and Pilates consistently and take my health seriously now. People generally think I’m outgoing and fun to be around. internally, things feel a lot harder than they seem for other people.
I struggle badly with focus and procrastination. I wait until the last minute for almost everything even though I care deeply about doing well. I also constantly feel burnt out. Social interaction drains me a lot, even when I enjoy the people I’m with, and I’ve gotten really good at hiding that exhaustion. There are only 3 people I can be around without having the need to pretend to be someone else or put on a show, my sister and 2 of my best friends.
I only have a few close friends because making deeper connections is hard for me. People say that I am too honest, and have lost friends over it. Even around people I love, I still often feel like I don’t fully belong. I rehearse conversations in my head constantly before interacting with people. I also get extremely absorbed in interests or hobbies for periods of time, they tend to be random. These interests will last for a really long time, years on average.
I’m very sensitive to noise. I wear noise canceling headphones as much as possibly, at least for majority of my day. I need them to go anywhere like the store, the business school where my classes are, on a walk, working, around my friends. When I do not have my headphones, I find it hard to function at all because certain sounds in the background overwhelm me or make me anxious. When I’m stressed, I pull on the back of my hair a lot without really thinking about it. I didn’t notice this until my boss said something to me and told me to stop. I also tend to be extremely organized and everything is very particular with me. I have certain spots for everything, I thrive best off having a set routine that I consistently follow every day.
Another layer to this is my childhood. I grew up around a lot of conflict between my parents and the way they treated me forced me to become hyper independent and emotionally mature very early. Because of that, sometimes I wonder if this is trauma/anxiety instead of autism or ADHD, or maybe a combination of things. Every adult around me wonders how I became so mature so fast. All of my friends come to be for advice on literally anything and everything.
People constantly ask me if I am autistic, especially those closest to me. Sometimes people I know will make fun of me for having “autistic” traits, which kind of offends me. My boss has an autistic kid and said I share similarities but I do really well with hiding them. This was unwarranted by the way, I don’t talk about this with anyone or the fact that I think I could have autism or ADHD. Teachers and counselors have recommended I get tested for autism/ADHD multiple times growing up. My sister was also recommended for autism testing. my dad never allowed any of it because he doesn’t really believe in mental health diagnoses and didn’t want a “special” kid. My mom is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD, so mental health issues do run in my family. My pediatrician when I was younger ordered me testing but again my parents refused to take me.
When I mentioned this recently to my parents they said I was just trying to fit in and find something to explain laziness. I am not lazy at all.
Recently I asked my primary care doctor for a referral to get evaluated and they brushed it off as anxiety or depression and recommended anxiety management techniques. Gave me a few brochures about breathing techniques, which I tried but they don’t really do anything. But I genuinely feel like it’s more than just anxiety, I just can’t put my finger on it. She also said that my personality is too sociable and outgoing, that I perform to well in life for there to be an issue with me. I mean I understand I guess, but is that really how it works? Am I over analyzing symptoms based off what people have told me? She also suggested that I was looking for medication for something and that she has seen too many students come in looking for Adderall prescriptions. This is really not the case and I don’t want people to think that, I probably wouldn’t elect for medication anyways since I already lived this long and have been decent. For some odd reason she also stated that I was too pretty and attractive to have autism? Which I don’t think is a thing? Also, I grew up conventionally unattractive, was severely overweight and dealt with weight issues my whole life. It was until this past 2 years that I became fixated on diet and that’s how I was able to lose weight. Now people call me attractive and stuff but I don’t know if that is really a factor in any of this. I’m pretty blind to how all of this works.
I do have a pretty decent social life and I know that I work and do well in school. But it’s taken years to get to this level of control. I struggled a lot in middle school and high school trying to keep everything under control by myself (my parents trust me to do whatever, neither even finished highschool so again I just have been really independent my whole life). I do also have autistic people in my family. I have taken those like little online test and a lot of times I get back that it’s a possibility, but how reliable are those?
- Does any of this sound relatable to people diagnosed with autism or ADHD later in life?
- How did you know it was time to seek testing/help?
- If your doctor dismissed you, what did you do next? How do I go about getting testing or therapy to see if I have something?
i also don’t want to be insensitive and just assume because I truly don’t know. I know nobody here can diagnose me, but I’d really appreciate hearing from people who relate because I’ve spent years feeling like something about me is different and I’m trying to understand it better. I really need help and I don’t know where to start. Also apologies for the really long post.