Struggling with chewing and spitting
So basically in the last couple of months I've been struggling with disordered eating (I don't have an ED diagnosis) and it's been getting worse.
At first I was just restricting, counting calories, obsessively checking labels, etc. but lately I've developed what I think are some purging/ compensatory behaviors like over exercise, drinking laxative teas and chewing and spitting. Since I don't have a good gag reflex (I tried purging few times) I don't let myself binge and purge the "classic way" cause I don't trust I can do it, so I'll just C/S. It's not really a binge, it's usually a normal amount of food but I do it whenever I want a "forbidden" food or when I consider I'm not allowed a proper meal.
Lately is been really out of control, I find myself going to buy food, hide food stash in my wardrobe or steal food just to C/S it while hiding alone. I've been even going to bakery shops just to buy food and hide somewhere to C/S the food I just bought. I just can't allow myself to eat it normally, so I do it this way.
I don't want this... It's depressing, gross, I hate it but I can't stop and I'm so embarrassed I can't talk to anyone about it not even my bf who is very supportive and loves me so much but I just feel like a big failure and I don't want him to know this about me.
I tried to talk about it to a therapist (it's and ED Specialist) but her only advice was "ok, then stop doing it". I mean, I really don't know how. It's so addictive and sometimes I do it in such a rush I don't even realize until it's over.
Is there any proper way to stop doing it? Does anyone have any advice about it? How did you stop?