u/GetOfflineAndSk8

My mom used to straight up say I was a narcissist, but she was her own breed of ignorant (WHICH I KNOW a narcisist may say, but shes the only one besides a girl with SUPER BAD BPD who has ever thrown that word specifically, at me). When I was 17, the state hired and mandated a psychiatrist/evaluation with the goal of pinning, "what's wrong" with me so they can give me treatment after I got put in Juvy for making "threats." She (the psychiatrist) said in her paper that I was exhibiting anti-social traits and that I would likely benefit from CBT. Kids that age can't get diagnosed though. I guess this is due to the very reason that they put me in the CBT program for: it's reversible. Kids instead get diagnosed with ODD which generally turns into ASPD. I didn't know this, but my therapist in the said program told me that I probably had ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) to which she used my arguing against her as evidence. Fucking brilliant diagnosis requirements lol. But she was a therapist. She wasn't approved to diagnose. The program psychiatrist ex military girl who was half of the program's therapist while my therapist was the other half, didn't like me a whole lot but respected my observations in group and such to a seemingly profound degree. One time, she was pissed at me and we went on a car ride to talk it out. I asked her if she thought I had ODD and she said she wasn't my therapist and doesn't know. Later in life, in a suicide home, the psychiatrist had a soft spot for me and was obviously biased in my favor which let me get out quickly. I specifically asked her if she'd think I have ASPD and she said she highly doubts it though I show traits of it. So tonight I took like 5 online tests and they say...... like pretty much the same shi. I hope this isn't a sign of another cluster b disorder cuz I've dated like 4 pwBPD and I'd be devastated to have that level of ignorance and victim complex.

And before I'm attacked for saying such a thing, please keep in mind that people with BPD are devastated at the idea that they could be the problem. That they do victimize themselves while being a perpetrator. Not that I think they're lesser for it, but their over reaction to bad emotions prevents them many a times from being accountable for abuse that they've caused. If one were to read this right now, based on my experience, they'd agree with the sentiment that they feel more intensely and they'd see how that makes sense and ties in with their self protective nature that they conveniently get to blame on their abuser whenever that self protection gets toxic, but when they read on to see that I'm saying that their behavior can be abusive, it'd highly mentally stress them out and to the point that they disregard such a notion. If one were to read this far, I'm sure they can understand why I so totally do NOT want the victim complex that comes with it and I think they'd split completely and utterly at the notion that their constant need to be the victim leads to a lot of emotional ignorance. Especially given that they need to believe that they're emotionally superior than the rest of us. Anyways, thats the best I can do as far as criticizing BPD without having to back step my actual feelings from the heart and yet to keep in line with the respect I'm expected to give to said, "people" with BPD. (BPD girls have repeatedly made my life hell I'm sorry for genuine ignorance I've shown but "not like [I'll] ever understand [them]" anyways. They assure me of that above all else.) ANYWAYS, yeah I hope I don't have a Cluster B disorder. I truly wondered what online tests had to say in regards to me showing signs of ASPD.

The sites I visited said pretty much the same spiel I've always been told but to a greater extent I guess. That I don't have many mentally sociopathic traits, but that I'm behaviorally similar. Withbme scoring consistently barely above the average fore psychopathic thinking patterns but in the top 5% of antisocial behaviors (not that I'm one to steal, lie, or cheat, but I guess more so in... I dont know actually if not those. Which it shouldn't be. I feel guilt and all that despite how I come across) I know I would need to talk to a real psychiatrist but, I mean I have. And if the state pays them to say I have a problem, then I do. If it's out of my pocket and they like me, then I don't. I don't necessarily trust the judgement of an individual psychiatrist and would need to see several but it doesn't bother me too much. My relationships always end pretty badly and somewhat quickly at an average of 1.5 years, but I don't think a diagnosis or lack there of would help or even hurt me in that regard.

I personally believe that it stems from my nihilistic (nihilist*IC*) viewpoint of the world. When I'm asked questions about morality and the feelings of others mattering, I view it only with the same disregard that I view myself in. I don't believe in dishonesty and I'm generally shockingly honest as I've been told. However, I feel grateful when others are so quick to feel for me and say all the right things when I'm distressed. I had an ex who would cry for me, at my poems, at the way I mourned for my dead dad. She was a little over feeling but I thought others were more so on my level (as in lower than they are, like, I'm not on THEIR level in reality). But I see time and time again when I'm stressed cuz my wallet is lost, or when I apologize for crying like a bitch over past relationships etc. I am shocked repeatedly at how much people feel for me. When I'm around friends who are crying, I am uncomfortable, I feel bad for them (IF I can understand why theyre sad. But if I think they're crying over a stupid reason, I'd laugh about it to friends later with a degree of privacy about who it is.) But I don't find myself getting distressed for them other than the need I feel to at least try to talk to them about it. I DO have feelings for others and I help others whenever I get the chance. But I guess at the end of the day, humans are nothing special to me. Just another bubble of chemicals we call life. Like ants. And I'm one of them, no better than anything else. Others' wants and desires are meaningless just like my own.

Anyways, I wanted to share my experience here in regards to being suspected by many as being manipulative, cold, and calculating. When I talked to a girl with BPD about this experience, she asked me if I'm manipulative and it kind of freaked me out to answer. I told her that I don't know what it means to manipulate. That if I asked my friend if he can get me a drink while at the store, that I am trying to get him to do something that they normally wouldn't do, and as a favor for me, generally at a cost to them. But that I'd do the same for them. That I'd accept no as an answer, that I'm open and honest with my goals and methods. And that I wouldn't mind being particularly convincing when it comes to trying to argue my point or request a favor, but that I'd be transparent regarding my goal, and I'll even state a fallacy, then disclose that it's a fallacy and why. But it FREAKED ME OUT because that answer in itself felt like a form of manipulation... so I said that. That my answer in itself may be manipulative and that me saying that is my attempt to be transparent but idk, is it manipulative? She said she didn't know and that only I can answer that. I basically concluded that it wasn't dishonesty, and that I didn't have some grand goal besides discussing the semantics of manipulation as a way of understanding my potentially toxic behavior.

It freaking me out has something to do with the same reason I can't make eye contact (it's definitely costed me an interview or two and at least 1 date was kind of unhappy with me about it). It's that no matter how little I look at someone's eyes, for whatever short burst in ANY situation, my brain is going, "They see you looking at them looking at you knowing that they're looking at you looking at them knowing you're looking at them looking at you." I talk A LOT (as demonstrated)... to the floor and wall while people are around me. And I'm supposed to look at them while they speak to me. So I do but never naturally and never unaware. And explaining to that girl was like, "This may be manipulation but I don't know and I'm manipulating myself into manipulating you into believing me that this isn't bad when it could be and the more I'm open about it, the more likely you are to understand me which may be bad but I don't think so." And apparently no eye contact is another sign of being ASPD lol but I get asked if I'm autistic enough that it could be anything or nothing.

I never wanted to be diagnosed with anything. I always hated the idea of people needing something wrong with them. Some 3-4 letter term to slap on themselves to make the way people understand them, more systemic. But I get asked too much by too many people, "are you adhd? Are you autistic? Are you a psychopath?" And the one I dread, the one that scares me, "are you bipolar?" (At least it's not BPD:) the last one is asked the least. I'm pretty much asked in that order of popularity. (Adhd, autistic, psycho/sociopath, bipolar). But after talking to friends, family, psychiatrists to a degree, exes, and GFs, doing meditation, and consulting... the internet, I'm basically told and lead to believe that I just don't see the world how most others do. That the glass isn't half full or half empty, it just is, and it has nothing to do with any water "taking advantage" of it's shape. And that in reality, everything is one. The glass only exists because we defined it. We drew the line that is the glass. And we did the same thing when we looked at the things that we like in life and called them good. When we looked at the things that gave us deep and untroubled feelings and called them meaningful. But at the end of the day, our egos think we're so much more important than we are. That life is more important than it is. That it's somehow good that a reddit thread may help someone else searching the same question decades later. And it is good because of the lines we drew to define, "good."

Perhaps this "mathematical" way I see the world (like how you have to define entities in a computer for it to recognize what they are) may lead to behaviors that people wouldn't understand at a first glance, from me often being barefoot, to my unreactiveness to hearing world events, to me playing devil's advocate to understand the other side in situations that most are uncomfortable even thinking about, to my fixated interest on things that are self actuated. Like life's importance ironically enough. Or the one thing that exists in itself, of itself, and only itself, something beyond existence but yet has to exist because it literally actuates itself in it's very definition: nothing, 0...

I was originally going to ask what's wrong with me or if I'm too sociopathic like, within the first paragraph. But instead, I think this is more so just me pasting my psyche on the internet like some self absorbed narcissist. I think it'd give me solace to see others relate to a degree. Though given my failure to have a good relationship with my mom and women I date, I guess I don't necessarily want others to relate but I know it's out of my control.

TL;DR: "I'm different, but not like the others" (joke) I show more signs of ASPD than I'm comfortable with:( also BPD side rant for some reason.