u/FuttyBucky

I want to make music. I want to reach the hearts of others as well as myself. One of my main inspirations is Nurko. His music makes me feel so deeply and he's so incredibly talented.

I've never had structure to my life despite that I'm 26. I'm lazy and I have some mental stuff too but that's not an excuse so I won't be going into that.

I listen to music deliberately EVERY TIME. I cry almost every time I hear certain songs. I know I am highly emotional and I want to also utilize this to create, too.

I want to do something good. Make others feel. Make myself feel, etc. It's not about money, or fans. I just want to create and inspire. I have many more reasons for why I need this dream to come true, but I would be explaining my life story.

However, I can't set goals and achieve them... I never could. I inconsistently take care of myself, cook, make responsible plans, etc. And when I do, they last 1 day.

I was thinking: create and learn music once a week, then twice a week, then 3 times, and so on.

It really hurts. I need this and I WILL have it. I just don't know when or how I'll figure this out. I've been thinking about creating music since 2021 and I've done a good bit of learning and experimenting, but I always slip away from it and it hurts.

I will take everything you say to heart and I will try to use it all to my advantage, to grow and leave this lazy version of me in the past.

Be honest, be open, don't sugar coat it. I'm so desperate to change this about myself and I'm not giving up. I just hope I can figure out a way to make the road ahead less bumpy.

I have recently gotten back into therapy (in a REAL attempt to improve this time) and I will bring this up ASAP.

Thank you for your time.

When I was very little, I would have night terrors or something that would only occur at my grandparents house. These night terrors were very, extremely real to me at the time. Before falling asleep, I would often feel very, very heavy and spacey. I would see faint mental images of impossibly large shapes of some kind and a sense of dread would fill me. It made it a struggle to fall asleep.

In the actual dream, I didn't have a body. Or at least I don't think I did. I felt completely paralyzed and heavy. I was in this extremely weird looking place filled with orange and yellow colors I couldn't understand. The environment was a blur.

However, the thing that was crystal clear to me is the grinder I was being lowered into. My vision warped and bent through gears and I found myself back above the grinder. I was lowered into it, over and over again. It's like my very awareness was being squished and expanded through this hellish machine, one gear at a time. It felt like it would never end each time mainly because there was no telling how many times it would repeat.

I tried to struggle and scream but I just couldn't. I remember it happening dozens of times in the most agonizing detail possible. 90% of that was my terror. It literally traumatized me for years afterward and I refused to sleep in the dark.

I would often wake up to my grandmother trying to gently comfort me. I often wondered why she never woke me up instead of just gently comforting me, and she told me that she tried to do that a few times before. I would react as if I were awake for a moment, then just continue to lay there, crying, often loudly enough to piss off my grandfather. 

I know this because sometimes I would suddenly wake up to him complaining about it from the their room, which was next to mine. I don't remember anything at all prior to waking up. Just the dozens of times I was ground up. I would be trembling so bad that I found it hard to breathe.

Once again, this only happened at my grandparents house. It would happen for multiple nights in a row during some visits. Eventually it stopped, but it was unlike anything I've ever experienced. The amount of terror I felt was infinite. I was completely consumed by it. Thinking about it still makes my heart race. I would lay there awake until I accidentally fell asleep because I was mortified of it happening again.

I also used to sleepwalk there, too. My grandma had to lead me back to bed when I tried leaving the house and I didn't remember any of it. I told her someone was telling me to follow them. They lived in the middle of nowhere. Other times, I would wake up in the middle of attempting to wake her to come comfort me. I did that often, but that never happened during those terrible nights.

That was around 20 years ago and I've never actually talked to anyone about it. I mainly just tried to distance myself from it but recently I noticed that feeling of heaviness and dread again after thinking about it in bed.