Purity culture residual effects
I’ve been with my girlfriend for the last 15months and now she thinks she’s not enough for me because I no longer express that I want her like I did when we initially met. It hit me the other night that it might be residual effects of purity culture because I grew up Pentecostal and my mom had me out of wedlock and I could feel how that defined our external social dynamics, like the unspoken expectation that I’d follow the same route. So I have always been working overtime not to be a sexual being even through teenage years, but with the boundary of men. I mean, if I was intimate with other females then I couldn’t get pregnant, right? Well, being with other females was also shunned, so here I was, stuck, and confused about what life really expected of me.
So I simply shut off sexual thoughts. But as easy as that may sound, I did “stumble” here and there, but despite the sexual encounters, I picked myself up and sort forgiveness from God whilst hating myself for being so filthy and disappointing. This happened with three sexual partners over the course of 10yrs, but they were very short term relationships, 2 months max because I knew it wasn’t a possibility, maybe not in the African Pentecostal culture.
I feel like the same is happening now with my girlfriend. She’s expressed that she feels unwanted and not good enough because we haven’t been intimate as much as opposed as to when we initially met. She even says that the vibe is different and feels like I only do it out of obligation, and she feels rejected and very unattractive. The thing is, this is my first actual relationship, male or female, 15months and counting, living together and building a life, totally different from the 2 months situationships I had tried before. For 2 months, it felt like I had been let off the sex chain and I subconsciously used the release like a rabbit but would get back the self control and return to a 5 year abstinence phase with ease. But now that it’s been more than 15 months, I think my body is shutting down and moving back into that abstinence phase like we used to do in the past.
Unfortunately, my perception on life has changed, I started deconstructing recently and that led to me accepting my sexuality and even coming out to my parents who are both pastors. On paper, everything seems to be working for me but the reality screams different. I do love my girlfriend and I find her attractive but I just can’t find myself thinking about sex in general or being intimate with her despite my emotional commitment. Honestly, this sucks because I don’t want to keep hurting her but my body just isn’t responsive.