I thought I was doing everything right. He never missed a vet visit. I got extra tests done whenever anything seemed off. 6 months ago the vets says he was healthy for his age, 10-ish.
I was planning on getting imaging done with he turned 11 later this year just to be safe. I got one of his lumps tested and it came back normal. The vet said the rest were fine and it's normal for his breed.
One day he wasn't acting like himself, so I made a vet appointment. Something in me knew that he was dying soon so I told him it's ok to let go and I don't want him to be in pain... He seemed to be fine for a couple of days. We woke up in the middle of the night because our other dogs were barking. My boy fell down the stairs. We rushed him to the ER and he died a within minutes. He had a tumor that ruptured. He was supposed to be going to the vet the day after he died. I was going to give him a peaceful sendoff at home when it was time... Instead it was awful and I feel horrible about not knowing. I keep thinking that I shouldn't have waited to get imaging.
It's been a couple of weeks and I can't stop thinking about that night. I wake up at every sound my other dogs make, block off the stairs, I can't leave them home alone.
My boy was my everything for so many years. He picked the person I married. He changed me as a person. Before him I was selfish and irresponsible. He needed so much love and patience, I wanted to be the person he needed. Everything good about me came from him and now he's gone. I feel his absence in every part of my day.I'm trying to hard to be here for our other 2 dogs, but I can't stop crying. I feel that a huge part of me is gone.
I carry his urn upstairs when we go to bed and back down in the morning. I don't believe in an afterlife, so it's all I have for comfort...something that feels too small for everything that he was and still is to me.
I just don't know what to do with all of this pain.