u/Fun-Illustrator-3409

I feel like my eating disorder keeps me alive. All I want to do is die because I hate myself so much. Having that relief of focusing on my food and how I look keeps me from acting on it. Ive been to treatment but I always end up back to my ed because I feel like it is keeping me here. Even though I know it could kill me I feel like it is better for my family and for everyone that at least I am alive now. I don’t know how to stop this perception. It is wrong but it feels like my only options are to either engage in behaviors or kill myself instead because I am so miserable. I hope this isn’t too triggering I just was wondering if anyone has some advice.