u/FuelEnvironmental506

I hate the idea that at any moment in any sort of way I can die and cease to exist. I don’t want to cease to exist. I HATE that concept. If we all cease to exist then to me everything and every life is pointless and meaningless. People even agree that it’s all meaningless and are perfectly content with it but not me. Everything feels so grand and vast and precious to me. I don’t understand how all of this we’re experiencing is “meaningless.” It makes all the stress and anguish I feel not matter at all. That it doesn’t matter if I live or die anytime. I feel worthless. I can’t stand it.

I don’t necessarily believe in a biblical heaven but I was raised to believe it. I’m kinda agnostic now but I try to believe out of fear. I find it weird that people who have people they love in life are completely fine with not seeing them in death. I want to see the people and pets I love again. That’s another thing- I HATE the concept that I’ll never see them again. I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wonder why be in one at all if I can’t love who I love forever. Yeah “this is precious because it’s limited” or some shit but I don’t want to not ever see him again. When we say we’ll love each other forever I just think to myself “well no we actually might not.” And I hear “you won’t know you’re dead so it doesn’t matter”, too and I very frequently panic over that concept. I think about this just about every day.

I can’t explain it and idk if it makes sense but that just deeply upsets me. “It will be like before you were born the way you don’t remember what that was like” except by the time I die I will be a fully developed person with self awareness and not an underdeveloped little thing spawning into existing. Every single damn time you talk about this sort of thing you always see that response as if it’ll give you comfort and for most people it somehow does but not me. I’m not trying to debate anything or whatever I’m just kinda tired of feeling this way. I’ve felt like this for years but it’s got worse recently and I can’t talk about this to hardly anyone irl without them shoving “Heaven IS real” down my throat with a “just trust me bro” mindset.

It’s making me get fixated and freaked out over my body and organs and health. If I feel a weird sensation in my head I’ll be worried I’m gonna have an aneurysm or something. Sometimes I feel TOO aware of myself and my breathing and heartbeat and it freaks me out that I depend on them to be here. I can’t fall asleep without trying to imagine what it’s like to slip away to see if it’s that bad. When I wake up I ask myself if I even remember falling asleep to see if I could remember what the feeling is like to compare it to being dead but being dead is forever. For someone whose struggled with depression and has wanted to die, I don’t wanna die at all I just want the bad feelings to go away.

I hate the idea that at any moment in any sort of way I can die and cease to exist. I don’t want to cease to exist. I HATE that concept. If we all cease to exist then to me everything and every life is pointless and meaningless. People even agree that it’s all meaningless and are perfectly content with it but not me. Everything feels so grand and vast and precious to me. I don’t understand how all of this we’re experiencing is “meaningless.” It makes all the stress and anguish I feel not matter at all. That it doesn’t matter if I live or die anytime. I feel worthless. I can’t stand it.

I don’t necessarily believe in a biblical heaven but I was raised to believe it. I’m kinda agnostic now but I try to believe out of fear. I find it weird that people who have people they love in life are completely fine with not seeing them in death. I want to see the people and pets I love again. That’s another thing- I HATE the concept that I’ll never see them again. I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wonder why be in one at all if I can’t love who I love forever. Yeah “this is precious because it’s limited” or some shit but I don’t want to not ever see him again. When we say we’ll love each other forever I just think to myself “well no we actually might not.” And I hear “you won’t know you’re dead so it doesn’t matter”, too and I very frequently panic over that concept. I think about this just about every day.

I can’t explain it and idk if it makes sense but that just deeply upsets me. “It will be like before you were born the way you don’t remember what that was like” except by the time I die I will be a fully developed person with self awareness and not an underdeveloped little thing spawning into existing. Every single damn time you talk about this sort of thing you always see that response as if it’ll give you comfort and for most people it somehow does but not me. I’m not trying to debate anything or whatever I’m just kinda tired of feeling this way. I’ve felt like this for years but it’s got worse recently and I can’t talk about this to hardly anyone irl without them shoving “Heaven IS real” down my throat with a “just trust me bro” mindset.

It’s making me get fixated and freaked out over my body and organs and health. If I feel a weird sensation in my head I’ll be worried I’m gonna have an aneurysm or something. Sometimes I feel TOO aware of myself and my breathing and heartbeat and it freaks me out that I depend on them to be here. I can’t fall asleep without trying to imagine what it’s like to slip away to see if it’s that bad. When I wake up I ask myself if I even remember falling asleep to see if I could remember what the feeling is like to compare it to being dead but being dead is forever. For someone whose struggled with depression and has wanted to die, I don’t wanna die at all I just want the bad feelings to go away.

I hate the idea that at any moment in any sort of way I can die and cease to exist. I don’t want to cease to exist. I HATE that concept. If we all cease to exist then to me everything and every life is pointless and meaningless. People even agree that it’s all meaningless and are perfectly content with it but not me. Everything feels so grand and vast and precious to me. I don’t understand how all of this we’re experiencing is “meaningless.” It makes all the stress and anguish I feel not matter at all. That it doesn’t matter if I live or die anytime. I feel worthless. I can’t stand it.

I don’t necessarily believe in a biblical heaven but I was raised to believe it. I’m kinda agnostic now but I try to believe out of fear. I find it weird that people who have people they love in life are completely fine with not seeing them in death. I want to see the people and pets I love again. That’s another thing- I HATE the concept that I’ll never see them again. I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wonder why be in one at all if I can’t love who I love forever. Yeah “this is precious because it’s limited” or some shit but I don’t want to not ever see him again. When we say we’ll love each other forever I just think to myself “well no we actually might not.” And I hear “you won’t know you’re dead so it doesn’t matter”, too and I very frequently panic over that concept. I think about this just about every day.

I can’t explain it and idk if it makes sense but that just deeply upsets me. “It will be like before you were born the way you don’t remember what that was like” except by the time I die I will be a fully developed person with self awareness and not an underdeveloped little thing spawning into existing. Every single damn time you talk about this sort of thing you always see that response as if it’ll give you comfort and for most people it somehow does but not me. I’m not trying to debate anything or whatever I’m just kinda tired of feeling this way. I’ve felt like this for years but it’s got worse recently and I can’t talk about this to hardly anyone irl without them shoving “Heaven IS real” down my throat with a “just trust me bro” mindset.

It’s making me get fixated and freaked out over my body and organs and health. If I feel a weird sensation in my head I’ll be worried I’m gonna have an aneurysm or something. Sometimes I feel TOO aware of myself and my breathing and heartbeat and it freaks me out that I depend on them to be here. I can’t fall asleep without trying to imagine what it’s like to slip away to see if it’s that bad. When I wake up I ask myself if I even remember falling asleep to see if I could remember what the feeling is like to compare it to being dead but being dead is forever. For someone whose struggled with depression and has wanted to die, I don’t wanna die at all I just want the bad feelings to go away.