I feel like I don’t even know who I am. Everything I “like” feels like it comes from other people, not me. I can’t even say what my favorite color is. Ever since I was little, things have been different. I had cancer and lost my eye, and because of that I never really fit in anywhere.
People have always seen me as the loud, ghetto kid who fights and gets in trouble. And honestly, I’ve played into that. I’ve been suspended, expelled, always in fights. It feels like that’s just who I’m stuck being, like I can’t change even when I try. And I have tried so many times, but I always end up back in the same place.
I look at my sister and wish I could be like her. She has friends, she goes out, she lives a normal teenage life. I’ve always wanted that—just to feel included, to have people, to do normal things. Instead, I’m at home doing homeschooling after getting expelled, watching everyone else go to school and live their lives while I feel stuck.
The only time I really leave the house is to go to the gym. Other than that, I’m alone most of the time. I get bored and end up doing things just to pass time, even if they don’t make me feel good about myself.
I come from a Muslim household, and my mom is very strict. Sometimes she says things that hurt, especially about stuff that doesn’t even apply to me. I know she’s been through a lot—losing her sister and brother—and I understand she carries pain. I love her, but it’s hard because it feels like that pain turns into anger toward us.
At the same time, I know I haven’t made things easy either. I’ve been acting out since elementary school, and now it feels like I’m stuck in this version of myself that I don’t even fully want to be. I don’t want to keep being known as the problem kid, but I don’t know how to stop.
I just wish I could figure out who I actually am, change my habits, and have something more out of life than this.