u/Frosty-Two-3514 — reddlx

Apologies on the length of this post, once I started typing it all out it just flowed lol.

To start, I am in a loving, committed gay relationship with my partner of five years. I was born and raised in a generally conservative environment under an evangelical theology. In my early childhood, I endured multiple SA experiences from a male older cousin of mine, which is linked to the story.

Growing up, I attended a Christian primary school and felt very overwhelmed upon entering a public high school. As I experienced puberty and realized that my attraction to men wasn’t the common experience, I quickly learnt how to adjust my personality to “fit in” with my peers out of fear of bullying/rejection. I figured that the easiest way to appear “normal” was to launch into a relationship with a girl. After that relationship inevitably ended, I met my first boyfriend. Since my parents had very clear beliefs about homosexuality, I would sneak out of classes to hang out with him. This relationship was fuelled by excitement and rebellion against my parents’ restrictions for me and ultimately ended due to a lack of similar interests. When my parents discovered my relationship with a man, they reassured me that we would figure this out, that it was largely due to my unresolved childhood SA, and that they would research some therapists for me.

By the time I graduated high school, my relationship with Christianity and my parents was extremely turbulent. The therapist they had me see was rooted in the same theological beliefs that I had grown up in and my parents had expected for me. After multiple sessions, I felt as though if I just worked through enough of my trauma, maybe I would become straight. I quickly realized that this was an unattainable goal and that no amount of therapy would “fix” my gay attraction. What I learnt from this experience was that being gay was something to feel shame about, that shouldn’t be talked about, and would be the means to an end for our happy, otherwise “perfect” family.

I began seeing a more liberally minded Christian counsellor who helped me navigate the challenging family dynamics for the next few years.

Following high school graduation, I would start relationships with guys; they would be super fast burns and that I would quickly lose interest in (that now I’m realizing is due to the crushing weight of shame overpowering my attraction). I would continue attending young adult churches around my city, refusing to get connected out of fear that the pastor or congregation would shun me.

Right before starting my university training, I met my current partner. We quickly became best friends and bonded over many similar interests. We started dating, supported, shared our challenges, and grew a strong foundation for our relationship. As typical for me, once the initial excitement of a new relationship wore down, I began struggling to initiate or engage in intimacy with him. I made excuse after excuse in an effort to conceal my underlying shame and fear of eternal damnation, saying that I was in therapy working through stuff. I had no idea how deep the roots of my shame were or how to even address them in therapy; I felt

overwhelmed, defeated, and frustrated.

As our relationship continued, I was encouraged by my support system to seek out a new therapist with potentially new perspectives to share. She helped me understand the root of my shame and anxiety, and we boiled it down to these two main hypothetical scenarios for my future:

- Continue to pursue gay relationships and inevitably land myself a spot in hell.

- Choose celibacy and hope that if I’m a really good Christian and help a lot of people, then MAYBE I could make it into heaven.

This therapist then asked me if I had thought about researching churches in my city who had gay-affirming theologies, to which I quickly brushed off as impossible as those churches were (I thought at the time) definitely teaching blasphemy to their congregations. Against my negative perspective on these affirming churches, I ended up reaching out to the pastoral staff at one in my city, and they were happy to meet with me, provide me with some helpful encouragement on my journey, and suggested reading materials to kickstart my learning! My partner has been extremely patient with my journey and has supported me through it all, which has been such a great pillar of strength for me!

Now, one year later, I’ve really begun wrestling with the “core values” that I was raised in and have never been so excited to learn more about the subject. I feel inspired to know there are many communities of gay Christians that have struggled with many of my same dilemmas. This will be my first attempt in connecting to a community of folks who may be experiencing my same journey, and I’m really excited to see what will come from it.

I’m still struggling with the relationship with my family and have recently had to take a further step back as my brother recently had his first kid and set a boundary against myself and my partner as uncles.

I would love to hear people’s experiences or suggestions on what to explore next in this journey or make some new connections along the way!

TL;DR - traditionally evangelically raised guy who discovered he was gay and identified that his core values and desire for love overlapped in an existential choice. Began wrestling with his theological beliefs and still reconciling his beliefs and perspective on Christianity, while figuring out how to move forward with his familial relations.