I turned my weird deadpan erotic girl-diary script into 5 screenplay pages. Does the tone feels original or just confusing?
Hi! I’m developing this as a 10-minute extract from an avant-garde show, almost like a deadpan diary chapter.
The tone I’m aiming for is funny, slightly erotic, ordinary-factual, feminine, rural, strange, and not too “explained.” It follows Priscilla, a broke ex beauty contestant who inherits a countryside house from a grandmother she barely knew and starts documenting the experience through calm, specific monologue fragments.
I’d love feedback on:
Does the voiceover feel original or too written?
Does the “ordinary facts” narration work with the surreal/erotic rural imagery?
Is the plot clear enough: city girl inherits rural house, arrives, receives chicks, adapts badly?
Does the plumber/bathtub scene feel funny and intimate without becoming too obvious?
Would you want to keep watching this as one chapter of a larger avant-garde series?
Thanks!