Is the last resort even worth it?
CW: Emetophobia
This is more of a vent post - I feel weird posting something like this, but I guess I'm just desperate to say something to other people who know what it's like to deal with pain. For context, I've been diagnosed with microscopic colitis and severe IBS.
My stomach and gut control almost every aspect of my life. I miss being able to go to restaurants, to enjoy eating, to not have to constantly reassure myself that I'm not dying due to my hypochondria. I miss not feeling like a burden because my illness gets in the way of other people's plans and I can't help it. Everything I eat is a game of russian roulette. And I've tried everything. And spent so much money. Nothing works. Nothing ever works. Sometimes I just picture myself dropping dead from this. I know it's ridiculous. I had every test to confirm it's nothing dangerous but it feels so awful and is getting so much worse that I feel like I can't take anymore. I couldn't bear it to get any worse than it is now. And I know it's partially stress-related so it feels like it's my fault. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to improve my mental health. But it's hard when it feels like my body is punishing me and has been for almost two years. I barely sleep at all some nights and last night just sat there taking deep breaths, hoping I wouldn't vomit and dreading knowing that my work shift would start in four hours.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't know why I feel the need to dump this somewhere I just... don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. And now my doctor wants to prescribe me Prednisone. It sounds like a hell drug and I'm terrified. It sounds like it will make my issue go away but then cause issues that are just as bad, so it doesn't feel like it'll be much better. Either way, my only option is to suffer.
Fuck depression. Fuck heartbreak and fuck all of its effects on the body. And most importantly, fuck this illness. I miss being healthy.