u/Free_Pea8327

So I just feel like, and don’t get me wrong I don’t have that many friends but I feel like the ones I do have, it’s always me saying hey wanna meet up, hey wanna do this.

Never do they pop up to me and say hey come over to mine, hey let’s meet and do this. They just don’t reciprocate the same energy and effort.

It would just be nice for once to see they care. Part of me thinks if I stop bothering asking them to meet will they ask? And I’ve trialled it with a few friends and I haven’t heard from them since, not a peep. One I haven’t heard from for 8 months because I stopped asking her and not once has she messaged me.

I don’t know it’s sad. And for their birthdays, it’s always me planning something for them, getting them a cake, flowers etc to make it special for them. And on mine I’m lucky if I get a standard happy birthday text.

Idk is there something wrong with me? But at the same time like if they didn’t wanna be friends wouldn’t they just stop saying yes to meeting up with me? I just seem to care a lot deeper I think for most people than how deeply anyone cares about me.

So basically to sum up my childhood. I have four siblings. My mum and dad were together until I was around 10 when my mum cheated on him and they divorced.

What’s important here is I have no memories of my dad before the age of 10 when they split, like none. So I always assumed he wasn’t around, however after taking to my siblings they all think I’m insane because he was around, he was around a lot and to them was very abusive. Later on in life my siblings all have a lot of anger towards him, my brother doesn’t speak to him at all and my sisters keep in touch but at arms length like text him every few months but don’t go see him. I however go see him fairly often but I have issues with my mum. To me, mum treated us way way worse than dad did and my dad has changed as we’ve gotten older but my mums still very much the same.

Anyways, so growing up my mum would always tell me how she wished me dead, regretted ever having me and that if she could go back in time she’d abort me in a heart beat. She would tell me how thick I was and I’d never amount to anything in life. How ugly I was and how I would never ever get a boyfriend and how I’d never have any friends either. Compare me to all the girls in my class and say what must it be like to be their parents and actually be proud, rather than ashamed of you etc etc. a lot of mental shit that has really stuck with me and impacts me to this day. As well as being physically abusive. In fact one day she strangled my sister in front of us all, quite severely. The neighbours heard our screams and ran round, I opened the door and my neighbour pulled her off of my sister.

But I just can’t let it go. What bugs me is my mum refuses to accept any of it. If it’s brought up it becomes one big drama and she attempts to gaslight us all into thinking none of it ever happened. But what irritates me most is my siblings can all just get a long with my mum now as if everything she did was ok but can’t get a long with my dad. Which is obviously down to the fact I’ve blocked him out of my memories before the age of 10 which does scare me but still they’re happy to write off what my mum did? Like I’m really messed up because of my mum.

Also people just don’t get it like yes I have a relationship with my mum now but more because 1. I cut her off for years and then it came to a point where in order to have a relationship with any of my siblings, I had to have one with her. And I wanted my siblings in my life so I started talking to her again. But even now I don’t talk to her about anything in my life, in fact I hardly talk to her. My sisters live with her so if I go over and she’s there I’ll say hi but that’s it. And I find it very difficult to make eye contact with her.

Last year our relationship did progress kinda and we tried to just pretend to be normal, she got married and I was a bridesmaid and I threw her a suprise hen do. But after all that I still just can’t get past it, I can’t pretend. How hard would it be for her just to acknowledge how badly she fucked me up? And people saw I went to her wedding etc and think we have a good relationship and make assumptions and that also irritates me because people seem to think just because she’s in my life that the relationship is ok and it’s not.

I also have a lot of anger not because of what it’s done to me but because of my siblings. My older sister is so messed up way beyond repair ans has so many issues. My brother pretends to be normal but every now and then he turns up drunk threatening to do certain things to himself. My younger two sister are also both on anti depressants, have never had a romantic relationship and say they don’t ever want one because of our childhood, and are both in therapy.

It’s not the fact my mum and dad won’t even say sorry, it’s the fact they pretend like none of it ever happened. I’m like always half way between just let it go, it was years ago and it is what it is just move on. Then I go through periods where I’m so fucking beyond angry.

So recently I started a business. It was never intended as a business and I’ve been working full time and putting in 50 hour weeks completely for free. Then it hit me I should be getting paid, this is hard work and a lot of hours. Everyone also was already treating it as a business and it was running as one so I thought why not make it into one seeming as it pretty much already is.

However I was not prepared for the amount of people who would hate on it. Calling me greedy and saying I was only ever in it for the money. Even women scheming to try to ruin it etc etc.

It’s very weird behaviour. I knew there would be some jealousy involved and that’s what it is. But wow. What shocks me even more is I went to another local women I know who runs her own business and spoke to her about it and she told me about how she went through the same thing. She started her own dance studio business and she had so many women who tried to ruin it for her, convince people to boycott etc.

It is so wild. I also know a lot of it comes from people generally perceive business owners negatively from past experiences but really business owners work so incredibly hard, nobody other than people who run businesses understand just how difficult it is and it’s mad how many people have very little respect for it.

The bite back I hate the most is people saying I don’t deserve to be paid for it. When I know if I turned round to them and asked them would you work 50 hours a week completely for free, you bet your arse they would tell me to f myself.

People are try to estimate my earnings, which for one none of their business and second of all always cracks me up because they have no idea what it costs to run a business and add 2+2 and come up with 10.