Why are Sundays so depressing?
Dear you,
I don't like this. I hate making decisions at the best of times, and you must know that this has been so difficult to contend with.
I spent so long waiting to speak to you, which backfired spectacularly, and I waited, hovering over here, expecting you to jump, but you never did.
But that doesn't matter anymore. I never saw myself writing publicly like this to you, but I think if you knew my perspective, you'd understand why my hands are tied. Ideally, I'd send this to you somewhere that has your name attached, but I won't, and even though God wants me to (you wouldn't believe me even if I told you), I won't do what He wants. Not this time.
I did it multiple times before, I mean, you saw it, right? How hurt I was by your distance? Your silence? I apologize that I didn't read all of it before, I actually didn't think it was you, I was just venting. But even after seeing all that, you still shut me out like I didn't matter. You say it was a misunderstanding, but I don't get it.
I know you love me, you said that I have your heart in my hands and that I feel the added weight, but don't you feel it too? The added weight of my heart? I guess you were just protecting yourself, but in doing so, you hurt me so much. It's hard actually. I don't know how to feel about you anymore. God is still telling me that you're the one for me, but I just don't feel like listening. There are other easier options, why shouldn't I pursue them instead? They actually have the courage to tell me they like me. But I don't, I just push them away instead.
I wish the world made it easier for us, but if this is the way our story is supposed to be, then so be it. I don't know how I could ever forgive you, but that's how I feel now. I think I'll feel different tomorrow. Regardless, I'll stop mistaking your restraint for absence, but I want you to do what you say you're gonna do. Spill it, every detail, every fear, every hope and every feeling. I think I'll only feel safe then. I'm asking you to. You can reach out here too. Time and place don't matter to me as much. Just as long as it happens. And if you're wondering whether I'm ready, I've actually been ready for some time now.
For what it's worth, I want you in my life too, and I'm not sure why you ever believed that I would crush your heart because all I'd ever do is cherish it. I also wish I was as good of a writer as you. And if you still couldn't tell, I love you too, but I'd rather say it to your face next time.
If you're still scared, ask me to jump. I'll spill everything instead. I have a lot to say too, so you better make sure you're ready. It doesn't matter to me how it happens, just that it finally does. Once I've mapped out my kingdom, you don't get to go back.
You're the only one who can make my Sundays less depressing, and yet you're hiding in the background... but you wanna be found.
from
me.
p.s. The title of the letter is my favourite song.
p.p.s. This is a repost. A lot has changed, but it's still good writing