u/Free-Hold-9074

Just looking for support and understanding really. My manager is very accommodating. I got signed off work with a bad episode of chronic fatigue (I have bad fatigue after several rounds of Covid) and he knows I'm waiting for audhd diagnosis, and he kindly arranged for me to work for a year in a different department with less breadth of responsibilities if I wanted. I warned him that change and learning a new role would likely be initially taxing but I would give it a go for the medium term benefits. Big mistake. I didn't realise how much I need familiarity and to feel like I know what I'm doing. The people are very nice but they're all new people and I didn't realise how unmasked I was able to be in my old role. I'm about 3 months in and I'm finding myself fighting tears often, and sleeping for hours after work. I got sick and then needed another week off with even more fatigue from that, and he let me know I could go back to my old role any time I wanted, that I mustn't feel I was trapped in the new one. He's really great. But I still feel like I should stick it out. He suggested the new arrangement so he could reorganise some stuff in my old team, and me covering this job would help him do that as well as hopefully help me. One of the issues before was that we got a new member of the team who got very little done while needing my help all the time and asking endless repetitive questions and it was killing me off, doing all the work with endless interruptions. I asked them once to just let me get on with something for the afternoon and they went home sick. I want that person to get a bit more settled in and confident and (in my manager's words) do without the comfort blanket of having me there all the time. We also have a new person starting and I don't really want to be responsible for training them on top of everything else. So I'm a bit between a rock and a hard place. My working from home arrangements have been sorted now, thanks to finally getting a good occupational health assessment and my manager fighting my corner (not a phrase) and we'll have a new manager two rungs up who knows me well and rates me highly, compared to the current incumbent who wanted me in the office a lot more and was generally a dick. I just have this old habit of thinking I need to plough on with whatever I'm struggling with, and not feeling comfortable asking for help. I'm also embarrassed to just leave this team after only a few months and look like I don't like them or can't cope.

I don't get headaches, only migraines, but every few months I get a few days of horrible migraines which I've learned is because I can no longer use my current pillow. I have four pillows I rotate through (having dispensed with the fifth which was one of those neck support ones with a dip for your head) each time this happens. I can only think this is a hypermobility thing. Is it just me? There's no particular height or firmness that prevents it, just a change fixes it for a while, then I have to change again when my neck says so.

I'm late diagnosed, about a year ago. I'm in my 40s. I moved in with my partner and his kids about 6 years ago and it was awful. Their mum was very unpleasant and inconsistent and it put everyone in a difficult position. Things got difficult between my partner and me, he is avoidant so he withdrew which I found very difficult. I understand why a lot more now I understand myself. I couldn't read him or fix things and the expectations of me varied wildly (driven by this frankly irrational and controlling woman) which was so hard to manage. Plus the kids were young and noisy, and I was masking the entire time. I got incredibly anxious and was wishing I was dead a lot.

Anyway, I got unofficially diagnosed by a counsellor who is incredible, and realised why this was such an overwhelming situation for me, so I moved out about 6 months ago. Things are much better with my partner and I have my own quiet space and lots of time to myself. I thought I would start feeling better and sometimes I do for a bit but the last few weeks I've been so uncomfortable in my own skin again. I'm not anxious about anything, just anxious. Or at least incredibly uncomfortable. I start the day OK but then get tenser as the day goes on. I was trying to numb it with a couple of drinks a night but it doesn't work. Deep breathing doesn't work. I can't concentrate on my special interests, so they don't work. No medication has even worked. I used to do a lot of exercise to manage my moods but I have chronic fatigue since Covid so I cant do that now. I don't know if this is actually anxiety even, or if I'm in burnout. I have been doing a lot of work on the house and garden so I guess it's possible I'm just not recovering. My job was very stressful but that's better now, just busy. I don't have any contact with the kids at the moment because the whole drama was so stressful for me and them and I don't want that dynamic in any of our lives any more. So I should have had 6 months of calming down and I don't feel any better. My mood isn't so low but the anxiety just won't go away. I just want to read a book and relax!