Realistic TT job posting- please apply!
Assistant Professor- Tenure Track
University of Classism invites applications for a TT position.
Please submit:
Novel Research Plan: We all know this has <2% chance of actually getting funded, it’s cute to see you try though. If you do manage to get funding, we will use your name to shame your colleagues into submission. We will also refuse to get any equipment for said research, but we will get the ice machine working after your DIY electrical tape situation becomes a fire hazard. If you lose funding, you will be dead to us and shoved in the shared office supplies closet. (Note- this closet is also shared with the handsy emeritus we are just waiting to die)
Teaching Statement: This will take you a ridiculous amount of time to write and we demand you know all current education trends (these need not be backed by any data, just vibes!)… but we actually don’t care how well you teach. No one will supervise your teaching anyways, so whatev! Just hand out the As to the customers and keep your head down. Also we expect you to lay down your life for students if there’s ever a campus safety threat, thanks in advance for your sacrifice!
Course Evaluations: We value the opinions of students, as they are experts in pedagogy**.** Include at least three student evaluations of your teaching, so we can get an idea of how young and hot you are.
Diversity Statement: Nothing too radical now, as one of the hiring committee members is a raging bigot we all ignore. However, if you look at least 16% mixed race, marketing would love to get your face plastered on the website asap to show how welcoming this campus is! Be aware- any actual complaints of sexism, racism, or any ism really, will result in your tenure denial. So keep smiling!
Competitive Pay: Good news! Our pay qualifies you for low income housing grants and food stamps. NO REALLY. BONUS- this pay ensures none of the poors can afford to work in these hallowed halls of wealth! People with trust funds or wealthy spouses make for the best academics anyways! Just remember, this is a calling, not a job. If you wanted to be paid for a REAL job, you should have been the football coach.
Additional materials:
-If you are part the “pass the harasser” program, we’d love to get confirmation so we can move you to the top of the hiring list.
-A notarized copy of your dignity is suggested.
What did I miss?
(Also, yes, I am avoiding time sensitive grading)