How do you know when you've forgiven someone?
Today is my first Mother's Day without my mum. We had a complicated relationship and she did a lot that she shouldn't have that really hurt me and my development.
I don't believe in true free will, so I want to forgive her for what she did, even if I've emotionally struggled with that idea.
How do I know when I have? Because my grief is still overshadowed by the memories of how she harmed me - it was my very first thought when I realised it was Mother's Day this morning. Does that mean I haven't forgiven her? How are the different ways we can even define 'forgiveness'?
Edit:
I realised that I cut out the part where I explained that she died in June of last year and I, at the time, didn't realise how it changed the implication of what I was saying.
For context, I love my mum, but she was a complicated person. I planned to go no contact with her two or three years ago once I moved a few hours away, but I was still her enduring power of attorney and recognised carer, so I couldn't.
In life, she hurt me. In death, I'm trying to forgive her, but I'm not quite sure what that means or looks like yet. Thank you for the responses.