Can’t keep a best friend?
Hi everyone, I’m reaching out because a pattern in my friendships has shaped my whole life, and I’m trying to figure it out. When I was about 7 or 8, a best friend stole from me—my piggy bank—and then she blamed me and told her other friend, who, along with their group, bullied me. After that, we moved to another city, but in middle school, I was bullied again by a group tied to my boyfriend’s friends—they kept telling me everyone in class hated me, and I started believing it. That idea followed me into adulthood. Even now in my workplace, I sometimes automatically assume people secretly dislike me or are excluding me, even when I don’t have real proof. It feels like those early experiences permanently changed how safe I feel in friendships.In high school, I finally trusted someone deeply again. We lived together, studied together, and were extremely close. She went through a very difficult time involving an abortion and an abusive boyfriend, and I stayed with her through everything, supporting her and helping her get out of that situation. After she got through it, she suddenly ghosted me without any explanation. That experience hurt more than I expected, and I noticed afterward that I started doing the same thing myself — when I feel like someone doesn’t truly care about me or only reaches out when they need something, I pull away first and disappear before I can be hurt again.Then in university, I formed another close friendship that started well but slowly became uncomfortable. Over time, I felt like this friend began copying my personality, interests, and even details about my personal and family background. It stopped feeling like normal influence between friends and more like I was losing my own identity. When I tried to create distance and set boundaries, she reacted intensely. She started dating one of my close friends, and he began asking me personal questions about my life, which made me feel like information about me was being gathered indirectly. When I removed her on social media, her behavior became obsessive — monitoring me through others, trying to stay connected to my life despite my attempts to step away. The boundaries felt completely blurred, and I ended up cutting contact to protect myself.
At this point, I’m honestly wondering if there’s a pattern I’m repeating. I want close friendships, but I either end up feeling hurt, replaced, or like I have to disappear to feel safe. I don’t know if I’m too trusting, too passive, or just carrying old fears into new relationships. Has anyone experienced something similar, and how do you break out of this cycle?