I messed up and now my family considers me an apostate
Hi everyone, this is my first post here, so please excuse me if I say anything incorrectly — English is not my first language.
I’ve been a PIMQ for several years now. I couldn’t tell you exactly when or why it started, but there was always something about the religion that just didn’t fully make sense to me. I was born into a Jehovah’s Witness family, so from a very young age I was taught that this was the absolute truth, and that if I had doubts, the problem was with me.
About two or three months ago, I finally dared to look up information about Jehovah’s Witnesses online, and that’s when I fell down the rabbit hole that many of you have probably experienced. That was when I started considering myself PIMO.
Aside from religion, my family has always been loving and patient with me. I wanted to spare them as much pain as possible, and my plan was to finish my programming degree and then slowly disappear from the organization.
The problem started with the recent Watchtower article about baptism. Since then, my mom has become especially insistent that I get baptized. Until now, I had managed to avoid it by using my lack of faith and the fact that I didn’t feel “worthy” of Jehovah as excuses.
Things escalated recently. I had a small argument with my mom, and in a moment of guilt and panic, when I saw her crying, I admitted that I had looked up Jehovah’s Witnesses online. (Stupid, I know. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.)
After that, my mom became really upset. She wasn’t cruel to me, but she said she felt hurt and betrayed, and that if I truly felt this way, I should talk to the elders so they could remove my privileges.
Later, while I was having a panic attack alone in my room, She ended up telling my dad too. I honestly have no idea what he thinks, because ever since then, both of them have mostly been ignoring me.
The atmosphere at home is really uncomfortable right now, and I don’t know what to do. Should I actually talk to the elders? Nothing would make me happier than to stop feeling guilty and hypocritical all the time, but I’m terrified that doing so could destroy my family.
My dad has struggled with depression before, and I’m afraid this situation could make things worse for him or for my mom. Trying to convince them is not an option — they’re still deeply indoctrinated. I genuinely think I could show them a video of the Governing Body harming someone, and they would still find a way to justify or deny it.
I think that’s all for now. This situation has completely exhausted me, and I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about it. I don’t even know if anyone will read this, but if you did, thank you. I truly appreciate any advice or comments.