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I'm not a Malayali. I met a guy through an app who is from Kollam. I was just exploring the app. The guy shared his IG profile when I told him that I'm going to leave this app just after two days of using it.
I had his account but followed him after a very long time seeing that he is interested in photography and all. I didn't reply to his texts in the beginning but he was persistent.
At some point I started replying to his texts and that was also after more than a year of connecting with him. He texted, I texted back. We started talking. He insisted that I call, I tried to avoid it but at some point I did receive his call. He seemed like a nice guy, he was/is a nice guy. After more than a year, we realized that we were in love.
I planned a lot of things with him. I got a job after finishing my undergrad. By that time, he went to Ernakulam to study ACCA which I had to make him understand would be a good thing to do for his career.
But he changed after going to Ernakulam.
I was reluctant to continue this relationship in the beginning, I wanted to end this. But he wanted to be with me. But he had/has family responsibilities so he told me one day that he wouldn't be able to go abroad, he told me in the beginning that wants to go abroad and I thought like we would settle there. But before making all the choices, I wanted to meet him, because I was mentally so involved with him. I was having the thought of marriage. I told him about this. And that's why I tried my best to be financially independent and go and visit him. He also encouraged me to visit. But when the time finally came and I was ready to go, he said his family wouldn't like it. His family won't approve of this because of our religion, country and cast difference. But his mother used to talk to me for 2 years whenever she felt like talking to me. She was nice to me.
It was a very transitional moment when I decided to take a job. Because I have to go abroad for higher studies as well. I also have my family responsibilities. But I felt like I'll manage everything.
But just before a few days of my schedule to visit him, he asked me not to come. He wanted to end this.
Almost two years passed after that. He talked to me in the meantime. He used to call me even after saying that this won't happen between us. I was too weak to stop myself from talking to him. Then again, he ended it. Then I thought it was time for me to stop thinking about it. But then again he contacted me to say that he got a job. At that time, I was trying so hard to get myself together. But I was scattered again. Then again he ended everything.
Even last August when I called him to tell him that my parents wanted me to get married and I didn't know what to do because I still felt mentally involved, he said that he is also involved and he won't find anyone like me and he knows that no one will love him like I did.
I called him a few days ago because I was feeling too lost. That day, he didn't pick up my call. But called me back immediately and told me "Don't call me again, I'm in a relationship." I immediately knew with whom he was in a relationship because I saw that girl on his IG commenting even when he used to talk to me in August-October last year. He said they are in a relationship for the last 4 months and he will marry her. He said he doesn't feel anything for me. He said he just doesn't have anything to do with this. I told him about the decision of taking this job and not moving abroad is impacting my life and I'm stuck in some situation and I don't know what to do and whom to talk to. But he didn't have anything to say about it. When I told him that I wanted to move to his city for him, he said he knows all that but he never asked me to do so and it was all my plan.
He used to be connected to all his exs when I was with him but he unfollowed on IG in March after getting into this relationship.
I used to feel very bad about one particular incident that he was part of and I always used to get upset or angry about it. And not being able to meet him always made me restless and sad and angry. I described my frustrations to him. He told me that getting angry about that incident had become a trauma to him. I always used to trust him but he never trusted that I trust him. Apart from that cast and religion thing, he blames me for making him traumatized by being angry at that incident.
I kind of know what it was for him and what I was for him. But it's very hard to accept. I have skipped many things and incidents because it'll become very lengthy. I will take the blame, I will accept my shortcomings but why did he not think in the beginning that it might impact me when I was making a decision just for us?
At some point he used to tell me about two of his friends who had inter-religious marriage. He started pointing out how it ended badly.
I told him about all these things in the beginning but he discarded everything and said nothing like that will happen to us and he never showed any effort to make the relationship persistent.
I feel I'm emotionally dumb. I feel so stupid. I can't stop blaming myself for everything. I acted stupid, I ignored all the logic and rationality. I knew what was going to happen but still I let my heart get broken. I saw everything, I understood everything but still I loved him.