I feel like I’m failing at motherhood.
I’m a neurodivergent mom (ADHD, anxiety, depression) and I was diagnosed with postpartum depression on March 31st. My baby is 5 months old and my husband has had to take over a lot more of the parenting lately. Honestly, probably around 60%.
Today was especially hard. I’m PMSing, overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, and my brain keeps telling me I’m the worst mother in the world.
I feel guilty all the time. Guilty that my husband has to do more. Guilty that I’m struggling to enjoy things sometimes. Guilty because I recently started smoking again after quitting, even though my mom died from a stroke and I’m terrified of dying too.
I’ve been taking medication, but my health insurance only starts in the middle of the month, so I still can’t start therapy yet.
I feel like I somehow forgot how to be a mother.
I do all the things. I boil water, make bottles, play with him, take him to the pediatrician, ask questions, pay attention. Our pediatrician recently recommended starting fruit and I’ve been the one giving it to him every time except once, because my husband wanted to do it.
From the outside I probably look functional. But inside I feel like a fraud.
I work from home and I need help from my family right now. I want to be present for my son so badly. I love him more than anything.
I feel like I’m in a tiny rowboat in the middle of a storm, desperately trying to row toward the lighthouse that is my family. I can see them. I love them more than anything. But right now everything feels heavy and exhausting and frightening.
My son deserves an infinitely better mother. I know my brain lies to me sometimes. I know postpartum depression twists reality. But today the voices won.
I think I just need a tiny shred of hope from people who survived this.