Deadend vent
I've been in therapy for 4 years. I've pushed myself to the limit working in psych as well, well now I have a position where I can relax a little... I'm just making this post in a gym parkinglot. I've made one friend in dating apps abroad, in Greece. One friend, a dude who's pushed me to this point. I'm not like very overweight or ugly or anything but I guess it's the right thing todo. I just don't know how to find and connect with anyone close to me. It feels like a deep cultural thing. I'm Romanian in the Pacific Northwest area, 25 years old, rebelled and isolated myself from my religious traditional connections and now I'm just so beat down. I calculated how much money I spent on dating apps since 20 years old. I spent $1755.14 and didn't get any dates, no girls, no anything. Sure yes, at one point I was the problem. I partially used dating apps to self improve/test the waters and connect in embarrassing ways outside my Romanian people that I'm used too. I said crass things, bold things, sometimes judgemental things up until the point I got banned off of Hinge at 24. However at the point, I changed through therapy and only got banned because I was then protesting the app itself. I had a picture of my cat with a beer laying around a bottle and photoshopped tallymarks that supposed were to signify the amount of days I'm wasting on there. Then later I wrote an appeal, I talked about my background, the person I am, how often the directedness can across negatively. I was ready to accept the name even after being vulnerable about my life. However they re-instated me... Well it didn't mean anything. I wasn't getting any likes, no one matched with my comments. I started suspecting I was shadow banned, after trying for 4 months. So again, wasted another 4 months of my life again. I exhausted every dating app, exploring all of them. All while going on a completely new path away from my religious family again. Cousins or other relatives are getting married one by one. My grandmother's disappointed sad voice in my ears that I gave up church and should just go to church to find a Romanian girl or whatever. I know people say, to find hhappiness or, you know. I read some posts here where the replies say, "Hey! You need to not need a relationship." "You need to want one.." Etc... Or go to therapy again and all that. Well, I'm not saying I need a relationship. I'm just saying I'm so overwhelmed from how much I pushed myself in isolation. I have thought about everything. I even avoid girls sometimes because I'm afraid I'm not fully attracted to them. I feel evil just as I feel like I'm trying to be good. Every avenue feels hopeless for me. I don't want to meet a girl in a bar. I don't want cold talk girls in public. I don't want to make small talk at a gym. I don't want to talk to coworkers. Well... I do online college chasing the academic world from a first generational family so I'm again isolated all the time. I also work in mental psych hospital because of how much I think about emotions and feelings. I'm just so burnt out and my spirit has given up. My Greek friend that I then made on one dating app 'Boo', well again because I have given up so it's easy to just then joke around and find friends of the same gender. Anyways he has now lead me onto a self improvement path. The only thing going for me is I have an attractive face. The anxiety I have to connect from generational trauma makes everything else worthless about me. I'm creating my own new family every day. I don't know how to connect or find someone. I'm getting my $ I spend finding no one to the cent tattooed on my arm so I don't spend another dollar on a dating app. This tsunami of pain from loneliness attacking the pits of my eyes with every movement I take.
-Sincerely some hopeless 25 yearold Eastern European guy in Portland. (Hahaha I can't even speak my language fluently, I'm relearning/learning it again)