Rainbow baby after 34 week loss. Graduation post 🌈
I literally couldn't have survived my loss without this community and I feel horrible that I disappeared for so long. During pregnancy I was honestly scared to keep being in the mental mindspace of tfmr so to protect as little peace that I had left, I decided to not be as active in the community and take a step back. Baby boy is here now, he turns 4 months this upcoming week and my gosh its been a whirlwind of emotions. Im beyond and deeply in love with him but id be lying if I said, have baby boy here hasnt made me think even more of his older brother who I lost to tfmr a year ago. That sort of loss changes you in ways thats beyond repairing but having baby boy here has at least made me smile again and given me something to hope for and turn my attention to. Hes the absolute light of my life and has healed certain parts of my heart. Others will forever remain broken and ruined but he has at least healed the part of being able to have a baby to love on. I still think about Elijah (the baby i lost) every single day. I still wonder what he would have looked like. Im still sad about it everyday. Im forever broken everyday. I dont only want to make a happy post and pretend that my rainbow fixed everything or healed me completely because he didnt. Nothing can and no amount of other babies will ever make me not mourn my firstborn. But I have come to the conclusion that rainbow baby needs my full attention as well. He doesnt know anything about my loss, its not his burden to shoulder. He deserves the whole me , he didnt ask to brought into this world. So instead, I live everyday for him. I live to see his smiles, his giggles, his happy squeaks.
Reading my old posts is honestly heartbreaking. I can see how far ive come and yet I still cant fathom how I survived that. I dont understand how im here. My babys diagnosis was extremely gray and I had joined FB support groups where I saw plenty of postive cases but I was so afraid of the worst case scenario. Honestly, i don't know if the me from right now would make the same choice and that will haunt me forever. I see now what I lost with Elijah and I wish I could have experienced it with him. I wish I could have held him, seen him grow, heard him laugh... sometimes i wish I could reverse time and go down a different path but thats not my reality , so instead, I focus on my here and now. I will pour everything into being a good mom to my rainbow baby and hopefully to any other future kids I have. I still cry over Elijah when I speak about him to my rainbow baby. This world has shown me how cruel and hellish it can be but then i see my current baby and wonder how something so beautiful and perfect can also exist. Im forever heartbroken over Elijah but then I have my rainbow with me and im also happy to be with him and be his mom. I dont know how to handle those complex emotions honestly. For many other moms, maybe a rainbow baby fixes everything but for me its definitely made it harder in some aspects. But aside from all my real and raw thoughts, I still am happy. He makes me laugh , he makes me look forward to the future and hes brought back joy in my life. He was worth every single second of PAL. He was worth everything.
To any other mom waiting for their rainbow, it definitely is worth it. PAL is fucking hard but my god, the end is so beautiful. I had my redeeming birth experience that I envioned. When they laid him on my chest and I heard his cry, I wanted to break down sobbing. To hear a baby cry and hold a warm baby on my chest, my god , that was everything. I wish i could relive that moment everyday. Thank you to all who remember me and my story, any single person that ever replied to me, literally saved my life when I needed it most. Thank you to this community.