Hi everyone,
I’m an exchange student in Spain living in shared accommodation with three other guys. Overall, things started off fine, but over time I’ve been struggling with repeated boundary issues in the house, and it’s started to affect me more than I expected.
One of my former roommates (who has now moved out) and I initially got along, but gradually there were ongoing issues around personal boundaries and shared items.
For example, I occasionally lent him my hairdryer when he didn’t have one. Over time, this turned into something he would ask to use very frequently, sometimes daily. There were also situations where his friends would be in the room and would take attachments/accessories for it without directly asking me, which made me uncomfortable.
There were other similar situations as well:
* At one point, he said he was running low on money for food, so I offered that he could take some spare eggs I had. However, I later noticed he had taken all four of my eggs, even though he already had eight of his own. That felt confusing because the offer was meant for situations where he didn’t have food, not when he already had enough.
* I also lent him my transport card once for a clearly agreed single day due to an issue he had, but it ended up being used more than agreed and I had to follow up multiple times to get it back.
In general, there were ongoing issues in the house such as:
* Noise late at night (including phone calls around 3 a.m.)
* Frequent guests (almost daily), sometimes with sexual activity audible in shared spaces
* Agreements about house boundaries that were discussed but not really respected afterward
* Personal items being borrowed without clear communication or not returned properly
Something else that also contributed to the dynamic is that this roommate had a very strong scarcity/space sensitivity mindset. For example, he would leave his laundry on the drying rack for long periods and avoid removing it because he didn’t want others to “take his space.” In the fridge, even when items like milk were empty, he would leave multiple cartons there and not remove them, again out of concern that moving things would affect his space. This general approach to shared space and resources created a lot of tension and confusion in day-to-day living.
On my side, I tried to be understanding and flexible because I know shared living can be complicated, and I didn’t want unnecessary conflict. But over time I started feeling like the boundaries in the house weren’t being respected consistently.
That roommate has now moved out, and his friend has moved into his room. So far, the new roommate has been respectful and there haven’t been any issues.
However, I’m still finding it hard to fully reset emotionally. Before moving in, I was told by my former roommate that his friend had said he wanted my number “to mess with me,” which made me uncomfortable about the situation. I didn’t raise it with the landlady because I understood she needed to fill the room and I didn’t want to make it about me.
While the new roommate has been fine so far and the other housemates have encouraged me to speak up if anything feels off, I still don’t feel fully at ease. The previous roommate would also sometimes come back acting like he still lived here—being loud and slamming doors—which made the space feel unstable for me.
Last night, hearing his voice again triggered a strong anxiety response and I felt physically overwhelmed, which surprised me.
I guess I’m trying to understand:
* How do you reset boundaries in a shared house after they’ve already been inconsistent?
* And how do you deal with lingering anxiety in a space that used to feel stressful?
Any advice would really help. Thank you.