u/ForgottenWell

It had been so long since I made us a real home cooked meal. I spent all afternoon making pasta from scratch, and following my mother’s recipe for Bolognese. Caesar salad (dressing from scratch). Even baked some rolls!

When I say it took half of the morning, and all afternoon I mean it. I couldn’t have been more excited for dinner!

When my husband got home from work, late like usual, I told him to get ready to eat. He looked so confused.

As we sat across from each other, he hesitantly pushed the noodles around on his plate. “What did you do to it?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I’m an idiot? This is the first meal you’ve cooked for me in months. Months! What did you do to it?” He began smelling the plate of pasta.

“It’s my mother’s recipe.”

“Don’t play dumb with me! Is it poisoned?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I guess I got to give you credit. I thought you were too dumb to figure it out. What? Did you look through my phone? I always delete the messages so you would have needed perfect timing.”

“Richard, what are you talking about?”

“My affair! You’ve discovered it, haven’t you? And now you’re trying to poison me. Oh. Oh god!” He picked up some of the meat with his fingers, feeling the squish. “Is this Abby? Did you turn her into Bolognese? God you’re sick!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was beginning to tear up. “I just wanted to make us a nice dinner. What do you mean you’re having an affair?”

“Oh don’t act surprised! You haven’t loved me in a long time!”

“Richard.”

“Don’t ‘Richard’ me!” He grabbed the plate, walked over to me, and slammed it in front of me. “Eat it!”

I hesitated.

He grabbed a knife from the kitchen block, and pointed it at me, “Eat it you bitch!”

Tears streamed from my face, as I shoved the pasta into my mouth. I tried to chew.

“If you hurt her,” he said, “I swear I’ll kill you! Abby really loves me! Not like you!”

“Richard, I do love you.”

“She better not be hurt!” He took out his phone and placed a call. “She didn’t pick up! What did you do to her!?”

“Please. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He quickly grabbed his keys. “I swear if you hurt her!” He ran out the door, and sped out of the driveway.

I took a napkin and wiped my messy mouth.

I entered our guest bedroom, and opened the closet door. Abby was gagged and tied up, tears streaming down her face.

“He’s going to save you right now. But I’ve got a terrible feeling his brakes are going to fail. Oh well. We have some business to take care of, but my dinner is getting cold. I’ll be back when it’s done.”

I closed the closet doors, and went to the kitchen to finish my delicious meal.

I’ll bare my soul here. I was beginning to think I would live my entire life without doing the deed. You know? The birds and bees?

I realized if I ever wanted it to happen, I’d have to change.

I started packing in the protein. Doing some looksmaxing.

You should see what my old chin looked like. And don’t even get me started on how much muscle I packed on. My back is like a boulder!

Looking good is one part of the battle, but I was amazed to realize what the most important part of getting laid is: location.

We’re going to this beautiful place from my childhood. Serene doesn’t begin to describe it. A clear, beautiful stream. A brilliant wooded area. All that natural beauty! Who wouldn’t want to get down?

My girl (I can’t believe that of all the fish in the sea she has eyes for me [well, mostly for me, I have seen her eyes wandering and boy will there be a fight if that happens]) and I are following a trail I know in my heart.

Before we know it, we’ll be all alone deep in the wilderness. Anything could happen. 

“You’re sure we’re headed the right way?”

Duh. “I know we are.”

“How do you know?”

“Like I said, I grew up around here. I know it in my bones. We follow this path, just up the river.”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Oh ye of little faith.”

I was really hoping we’d be alone on this journey, but unfortunately the natural beauty of this trail is enticing.

We periodically pass others. One big fellow in particular is eyeing my girl. Boy I’d like to smack that smile right off his face. Who does he think he is?

“Hey, baby!”

Oh great. Now he’s approaching us.

“What are you doing with that little twerp? Come be with a real man!”

I can’t believe she’s hesitating! What the fuck!

I knew this was going to happen.

I’m building up the courage to beat the shit out of this guy.

Something is wrong.

Suddenly, I’m thrashing about.

I can feel the lower half of my body being torn to shreds.

I was so distracted by that asshole, that I didn’t see the creature lurking. It’s brown, and furry, and it’s mouth is as big as my entire fucking body! Its teeth are gnashing. I can feel large chunks of me falling away. The pain is so intense. Its claws are ripping right into my pale flesh! I think half my body is ripped off.

A fucking bear is chewing on my guts, eating me alive.

I can’t breathe no matter how much I gasp. My gills don’t work up here.

The last thing I see is my girl swimming up the river with that big asshole.

For my seventeenth birthday, my parents decided to drive me to my coffee date with Jessie, something I was perfectly capable of doing by myself.

“Soon you’ll be all grown up,” Dad said, “so forgive us if we want to be a part of your life just a little bit longer!”

“It’s not every day you get to drive your daughter to her very first date,” Mom smiled.

“I’ve been on dates before,” I muttered from the backseat.

“Oh, honey, middle school doesn’t count,” Mom laughed, “real dates, with a real girlfriend.”

Jessie and I weren’t even dating. I mean… not yet…

“We’re just friends, Mom,” I said, blushing, “you’re making it weird.”

“Don’t mind your Mother,” Dad said, “we’re not going to go inside and introduce ourselves. We won’t embarrass you in front of your… friend.”

“Your friend who’s a girl,” Mom added.

Dad snapped his fingers, “Her girlfriend!”

They both laughed, and I buried my head in my hands and groaned.

“Looks like we’re here,” Dad announced as he pulled into The Bean Shack.

“Honey, before you go,” Mom unbuckled her seatbelt so she could turn around and ask me directly, “I was wondering if you had given any thought to what your Father and I talked about? About what your plans are after you graduate?”

“I’m still thinking about it,” I grumbled.

“There’s no pressure,” Dad said, “your Mother and I will support you no matter what you choose, but we’d love to see you join the family business.”

“I said ‘I’m thinking about it,’” I rolled my eyes, “can I go now?”

“Go have fun on your date,” Mom beamed.

“We’ll pick you up in an hour,” Dad smiled.

I got out of the car and walked through the front doors to The Bean Shack. Jessie was already here, she ran over and gave me a hug that sent my heart aflutter.

“Happy birthday,” Jessie said, and took me by the hand and dragged me over to a corner booth.

“Wait, shouldn’t we order something?” I interjected, but as we came to the booth there were already two drinks waiting for us.

“I ordered your favorite: iced caramel Frappuccino with three shots of caramel, two shots of vanilla, and extra caramel topping.”

She knew my coffee order. The butterflies in my stomach were starting to break dance.

“Oh, thank you,” I said, trying not to sound too flustered.

“Come on, sit down, sit down, you have to open your present.”

Jessie pulled a small box from her purse that was tightly bound in baby blue wrapping paper and an adorable pink bow.

“Jessie, you didn’t have to—”

“Oh hush, you haven’t even opened it yet. It’s not worth getting all gushy about!”

“Okay,” I said, and opened her present. Inside, resting on a tiny pillow, was an expensive tube of bubblegum lip gloss.

“I noticed that you’ve been biting your chapped lips lately, this stuff is really great for moisturizing,” Jessie smiled, and then added, “plus it tastes great.”

I tried not to think too hard about why Jessie might be staring at my lips.

“It’s a nasty habit,” I admitted, “I’ve been stressed out lately. Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it.”

“Girl, what has got you so stressed lately?”

“My parents, ugh, they want to know what I’m doing after I graduate.”

“What are you doing after you graduate?”

“I have no idea, but they want me to follow in their footsteps.”

Jessie reached across the table and gently held my hand, rubbing her thumb across the back of my knuckles.

“Tell me about it.”

Jessie was so sweet, and so easy to talk to, so even though I shouldn’t have, I told her everything.

“They want me to be a serial killer,” I gulped, “like they are.”

“Doesn’t seem like a very lucrative career,” Jessie didn’t even bat an eye as she responded.

“Well—you might be surprised. My parents, they target senior citizens, people who have saved up money their entire lives. They make it look like they died in their sleep. Then they find their computer, bring up their online banking, and transfer all their money to themselves into Bitcoin. They’ve actually made a ton of money doing that.”

“Oh my god,” Jessie said in a hushed voice, “your parents are The Sandman?”

“They really don’t like that nickname,” I rolled my eyes, “I shouldn’t even be telling you this. The point is: they want me to follow in their footsteps, but I don’t think I have it in me. Even if the money is lucrative.”

“I feel for you. My parents want me to follow in their footsteps too.”

“Oh yeah? What do your parents do?”

“They work for the city,” Jessie reached into her purse and pulled out a badge that she hung from her neck, “special investigators for the Bay Ridge police department.”

Suddenly I noticed the blue and red lights flashing in the parking lot. Mom and Dad were parked outside. Had it been an hour already? The police were handcuffing them to the hood of their car.

“No, stop!” I tried to get up, but Jessie caught me by the hand, her grip no longer gentle.

“Sit down!” She said, and for some reason I listened.

Jessie pulled down the collar of her shirt, and I would have turned beet red were it not for the small, black microphone taped to her chest.

“We have everything we need to put them away for good. Listen to me… I’m sorry I had to mislead you, but your parents are not good people, and you do not have to be like them.”

I never really thought about what I wanted to do with my life, but sitting across from Jessie, heartbroken, I realized that I did want to follow in my parents footsteps, and I already knew who my first victim would be.