Sorry in advance for the novel:
TLDR: broke things off with a girl dealing with too much unhealed trauma that became emotionally taxing on me. How do I not feel like a bad man.
Background:
So I (m/31) started seeing this girl (f/27) recently after a short fling we had in our early twenties.
She reached out to me saying she had gotten out of an engagement and was looking to hook up again. She ghosted me the first time around and swore she had changed since then and wanted to talk again, hinting at friends with benefits. Reluctantly, I accepted thinking, hey a free hook up. We hook up a few times and she expresses she wanted me to text her consistently and asked me to let her know if i am talking to anybody else, which I also was reluctant to do since lines get blurred and her knowing that should none of her business, ultimately I agree and sure enough, catch feelings.
I tell her about these feelings and she doesn’t like it and vows to not talk to me again. I pull away but she then reaches out again days later. We continue on this push-pull dynamic that goes on for months (hot and cold), very responsive to I don’t hear from her for days (The same thing happened the first time around). When we were together, everything was great and we’d act like a couple holding hands, kissing, etc. Then I noticed when we werent together it, some days (sometimes multiple) it was hard to even get a text back (which I noticed happens when things are going good). I address the inconsistencies, which she tries fixing but ultimately continues to do the same and gets worse.
Time goes on and she tells me about the trauma she’s been dealing with that really affected our “fling” the first time around. She continues to tell me some very dark, horrible things that have happened to her during childhood, which I won’t share out of respect, and plenty of trauma that she has had from manipulative and abusive ex and family members. Though she expressed this trauma, I never thought less of her and only made me care for her more.
I asked her if she’s seeked therapy, which she explained doesn’t help her.
I continue to see her and again the push pull dynamic continues. I come to the conclusion, she is either not interested or keeps me on string, possibly having an avoidant attachment style from the trauma. I tried being understanding and patient but ultimately it’s become too emotionally taxing for me. And in order for me to really move on it was just best to just cut it.
Anyways, broke it off with her today and told her it’s best that I move on and we stop talking but I wish her the best. She ended up blocking me on everything, so she obviously feels some type of way. But it hurts. I know deep down in my heart that it was the best decision for myself but I just feel terrible being the one to hurt her when she’s confided in me so much about her past. To only be another person to give up on her.
This post is more to vent: but I’m just looking for some advice to not feel so guilty about hurting an already very hurt girl. It sucks to do this to her because I care a lot for her and I hope she gets peace one day. But I know in my heart it’s best for myself to protect my own mental health and peace.
I wish I can be there for her but I truly don’t think a healthy relationship with her is possible unless she seeks therapy and heals.
Any advice would help. Thank you.