I'm not quite sure how to go about this, so I guess I'll just lay it all out - sorry if this gets a bit long.
My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years, since I was 20. I told him early on in our relationship that I didn't feel attraction the way most people do and considered myself ace, later on realizing I am also on the aro spectrum - I consider myself cupio now because I love the thought of romance and sex, it just doesn't translate into real feelings of those things.
I don't feel he's ever fully grasped what this means, but we have a great relationship.
The problem is that he's literally the best man I've ever known, and I feel extreme guilt that I will never be able to truly reciprocate his romantic feelings. I love being with him and building our life together, but I can't help feel he deserves so much more than what I can give him.
We are getting married next year and it spins me into a panic thinking that we'll be together the rest of our lives with me constantly wondering if we should really be together, or if I should let him have the chance to find true love. I know I'm a good partner, and that love is something we choose through our actions. We also have a good sex life despite my lack of attraction because I do enjoy it. There's a terrible part of me too that wonders if I just never met the right person to feel these feelings for - but I never got butterflies or anything else people link to feelings of love or attraction, for anyone my entire life.
I don't know why I'm posting here, necessarily. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest to some people who may truly understand the gravity of my situation. He's the most patient, loving, kind man and it feels so selfish sometimes to hold on to him because any woman would be lucky to have him. But he adores me and I can't imagine my life without him. If anyone has advice on how to stop obsessing over this and just live my damn life would be great. I feel I'm going to give myself some disease from stress if I can't do that. I've even thought it would be better if I just died so he could move on and find someone who can give him what I can't and I can stop feeling so sick with guilt. Obviously I don't want to die, but I feel like I'm slowly killing myself with this anyways.
Thanks for reading if you made it to the end.