The cycle
A few week before all of this you asked me where you'd see us in the future and I'm not sure how I responded, but it wasn't this...
I'm sorry for the way I reacted
I became incredibly anxiously attached and toxicI was scared, I was scared to have feelings. I was scared to be rejected and I was scared of being alone... I tried so damn hard to mask it that I turned into someone else completely!
Looking at how I handled things, I know I was wrong and acting out of fear and honestly like a child....
I truly don't know how to be loved without earning it
I've had to fight and earn love my entire life and you handed to me so openly I didnt know what to do with it...
I knew I could be open and honest with you, You told me all of the time you'd forgive almost anything.....
My past made that feel like a trap...
I'm sorry that I couldn't figure this out before everything got so bad....
I really wanted to not have feelings...
I know I said I was staying for you but really I couldn't handle losing you!
I'm in therapy and I've never been more level headed... I wish I would've started 10 years ago.... If I had a time machine....
I truly don't know if I could apologize enough because loosing this friendship is what terrified me the most...
But towards the end I didn't know what being your friend ment for me, if it wasn't within your very thin line...
I kept grabbing the electric fence hoping to not get shocked...
You're actions or inactions spoke a lot louder than the words....
I was naked while you were putting on my layers.... And I felt so alone...
You know I used to get frustrated and take a break and need a moment to sit with myself... You always came back and pulled me into something I never wanted to face... My anger...
And Im sorry that you seen that monster... He wasn't ever supposed to come out.... You tamed him... But in doing so you also caged him because it was replaced with love and no way to actually express it without fear of rejection or humiliation, not because you were ever evil but because his past was....
And I truly didn't want history to repeat is self because I didn't know what true love was or felt like.
And I'm sorry for all of the yelling in games and just the games in general... My brain and chest have been on fire with stress for years.... And trying to play the most rage inducing games on the planet wasn't good for me... I tried to shift it, I'm sorry! I couldn't just sit out and take a break... And I'm sorry..... I made the entire environment toxic for everyone and I'm sorry!... I made the decisions I did to protect myself... And I fucking hurt you in the process... I'll never forgive myself for that...
In the beginning you were the only person who actually heard me... And somewhere along the line I forgot to keep letting you know.... And white lies only protect the person telling them...
I know we both love each other... I just didn't ever get it right... And maybe circumstances and timing are a fickle bitch... But Im taking responsibility for it.
You kept saying how awful I was at the end and I deserved every word...
I know things aren't going to change out of respect for your marriage, which I've always been so proud of... He makes you happy and that's all I ever wanted for you.
I'm so incredibly sorry for how I acted as a man and as friend... You didn't deserve it.. you deserve to be loved with honesty and truth and you deserved that regardless of it ment we had to part ways.... I truly do love you, in like a we'll meet again in heaven kind of way, or like The Cycle perfect at its best and frustrating at it's worst but it never should have stopped...
Maybe we can be best friends there
I'm sorry I messed it up here! I'm sorry for how I left, I wanted to grieve and I truly didn't need you to feel bad for me, I wanted to hide and couldn't handle seeing you pop up thought out my feeds...
I'm sorry for being so irrational...
And I'm sorry for needing to apologize so much! I truly want to be a better person for you and I'm sorry own brain got in the way of that!
I will always want to know you! And I'm sorry for how things ended, i still pray we can fix this.
I've never liked goodbyes especially with you... Until we meet again friend!