Should I ask for a LOR?
I’m a non-US IMG working as a postdoc at an academic center. A few weeks ago I managed to secure an ICU observership through some contacts and I’m now in my fourth week. Honestly? I feel completely useless.
I can present patients but I feel so intimidated and out of my depth that I get extremely nervous doing it. The language barrier makes everything worse because when I’m anxious my English gets worse, and when I propose a plan and I’m wrong I just feel humiliated.
I’ve been crying every night thinking I’m not good enough, that I haven’t seen patients in almost 3 years, that I’ve forgotten everything and that my English isn’t sufficient. Sometimes I genuinely regret choosing this path.
Despite all that I show up first and leave last every single day. One attending I worked with for two weeks was actually really engaged, he’d ask me questions and review articles with me daily. But my nerves got the best of me and I didn’t perform well. On my last day with him he only said I had “a positive attitude” and I honestly didn’t know if that was enough to ask for a letter.
This week my current attending asked what I could do. I told him I could see and present patients with supervision. When he asked about my expectations I told him I’d love a letter only if he felt I earned it and that I wanted to be evaluated. He basically ignored me. I present 2 patients daily and I am improving, but I still make mistakes and he barely speaks to me, leaves right after rounds and I don’t see him again until end of day updates. I can’t tell if that’s just his style or if I’m reading too much into it.
Is it normal to feel this way as an IMG during an observership? Should I even ask for a letter in this situation? Any advice on handling an attending who seems completely disengaged would mean a lot. Thank you.