u/Folghoreys

I'm questioning rn. I have this friend I care about and he catched some feelings for me and we've done +18rps. I told him I'm not comfortable with an open relationship bc I'm slightly jealous and I also felt like I was faking it. He got abviously hurted bc he care about me.

So now I'm considering to get back with him but even if we call it close friendship I feel anxiety and discomfort incrasing in my chest like it's some work that must be done and I absolutely don't want to fake it !!

I'm confused I want to be with him but whenever I decide to talk about it anxiety comes and ruin it all and if I ignore it I ruin the relationship. Why can't we all call each other friends and end it here T_T

So some days ago I've ended up hurting a friend that got attached to me.. I'm in deep pain because I care about him but haven't felt that "spark" even tho we've done 18+ rps and I want attention from him, I got jealous but I would get jealous also as a friend.

I would never get married or live with someone for the rest of my life and I don't find a deep meaning in the words "I love you" in the romantic way, anyway I rly would like to get in a relationship with someone. I clearly need my space.

In my first romantic relationship the guy was all for me but in the exact moment I accepted to be with him suddenly I changed behavior in negative, felt anxiety when we hang out and didn't felt any kind of feeling when I kissed or hugged him

And I realized after three yrs from our break up that it wasn't true love but I just wanted a relationship just because everyone talks about it.

I've also had countless crushes on guys but never felt the romanticism.

Then one year ago I actually fell in love with a girl, my best friend and unfortunately she didn't reciprocate it. It's strange for me because the only romantic/true love I've ever felt was with a girl and not with a guy but I clearly desire the male body.

I dunno what to do.. if I stayed with a guy I feel in prison but if I stayed with a girl I wouldn't have sex with her at all.

I always said friends is better than partners

But what the hell T_T

What do you guys think about this.. am I some kind of aromantic or just haven't find the right one yet?