Long post, but I’m at my wits end and I need to do something
Caring for my ailing grandmother (80,F). She has 3 children and my mother is the youngest of the 3. I am the only grandchild of the family and I am financially responsible for all expenses for my grandmother. I’m beyond exhausted caretaking with my mother and helper for my grandmother.
For context : grandmother is 82, she has 3 kids - 2 older sons and a daughter (my mother)
For ease of reference lets name the oldest son A,62
2nd son B,58.
My mother C,56
C is a single mother, while A is married with no children and B is not married and does not have any children. C has been involved in grandmother's care and cleans up after her.
Grandma lives with us. A is the wealthiest of the 3 kids, owning a freehold condo in SG and a home in Australia. At his old age he just finished a phd (so you can imagine how much free time he has). B is in heaps of media and community events so we see him a lot but he does not engage with us. My mother C is unemployed.
My grandmother has dementia and about 2 years ago moved in with us. She previously lived in a hoarded unhygienic home where she would eat bread and omelette only a day and had incontinence issues. All which were brushed aside by A and B. I have made multiple attempts to get their involvement through a WhatsApp group, medical social worker and even social worker. They have left the WhatsApp group and even denied the social worker’s assistance citing that this was a family issue that could be handled within ourselves. These bastards even had the cheek to tell the social worker they were agreeable to have me pay for the domestic helper, but the siblings would have a discussion on care plans for my grandmother excluding me. Effectively meaning that my money is good enough to pay for expenses but I’m not welcome to the discussion. Lol the discussion never happened anyway but just to set some context. Thankfully she has an LPA and it is in force.
Another top hit from these idiots. Flagged in the family chat that the pipe in gma’s house had burst. A said B would look into it. 6 weeks later it still wasn’t done and when confronted, B said he got someone to fix it. Absolute lies because I paid the handyman for it to get fixed. Any flagging of my grandmother having a health related difficulty eg walking has been met with accusations that we are incapacitating a perfectly healthy woman, despite medical professionals telling us otherwise.
Her sons have completely withdrawn contact as they believe she willed everything to us after her time. After she was discharged from the hospital for malnutrition from living alone, A had scolded her harshly for willing everything away to us. I have a recording of this. They have withdrawn all contact with her. A occasionally visits when in town and calls when we initiate (which is in itself an exhausting exercise when dealing with a senior having dementia who spits, physically hits and gets agitated easily). B lives in Singapore and has a vibrant social life but does not engage in any care for grandmother. Due to their aggressive ways of speaking to my mother and me I’ve regularly stepped in to tell them off which has led to A blocking me on WA, and B blocking me and my mother on WA. Since A and B have the luxury of time, they spend lots of time networking and talking to people to maintain the image that they are involved in the care of my grandmother financially and emotionally, which as a young caregiver giving my youth to deal with all of this, it’s pissing me off. We not only deal with the toil of caregiving but also the emotional and financial abuse of these men.
As a young caregiver I am exhausted but my heart is at peace so much knowing that my grandmother is cared for, loved and doted on by my mother and I. I think it’s an honour to be able to do so. I will never forget the first time she came to my home after being discharged from the hospital, and she just stripped naked in front of me as her way to ask me to shower her. I cried showering her that first time. But it was that day that began my journey of dedicating a little part of my life for her. She truly has become my first daughter. With her dementia I see her becoming a small child and I want to do what’s best for her.
Since then I’ve stepped up as the man of the family of some sort, looking out for my mother and grandmother against the ghouls I have for these men. My mother became a single parent when I was much younger and a lot of my life was made harder because they diminished my mother, emotionally abused her. And they now use the same methods on my grandmother by withholding contact and affection from her.
My disgust for them aside it breaks my heart as a grandchild that my grandmother is going through the pain of not having her sons by her in the twilight years of her life. She is in the best care possible in my home and doing so much better but I see her yearning for her sons especially B to call her and speak to her, and see her. He does not reply any messages or calls from us. Instead she insists to go to community events to get a glimpse of him. It is breaking my heart and I’m angry.
With Mother’s Day coming soon, I’m sure my grandmother will be sad that they haven’t called or wished her. I am of half a mind to text their friends whose contacts I have to get them to come see her. At the very least if they choose not to, I have the peace of mind knowing that I’ve done everything as a grandchild to make my grandmother happy. My mother believes that this is unnecessary and messy, and not to “air our dirty laundry in public”. Easy to say when I’m the one that’s spent a 5 figure sum easily so far and single handedly. Gma has savings but to prevent any event that she has any long term health issue and we run into expenses we will not be touching her savings. To me if these people have the presence of mind to l”show” they are doing the care work or even footing costs, why not make them put their money where their mouths are lol?
I also admit I’m not a good person and I want to ruin their names because I can and I have nothing to lose lol they should be exposed at the very least because why am I the grandchild paying for this when they have the money
Has anyone had similar experiences? What did you do?