I 25 F am in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, also 25, for a few years now. He’s everything I could want in many ways, he's kind, thoughtful, stable. We get along well, and I love him deeply. Honestly, it’s hard to imagine life without him.
But if I’m being honest with myself, I feel like we’re not as close as we used to be when we first started dating. The spark is missing, and while I know physical attraction isn’t everything, I find myself longing for that passion. It’s something I’m struggling to reconcile.
I’ve been battling addiction for what feels like forever i'd say about 10 years now. My boyfriend doesn’t drink or do drugs, and I admire that in him. It’s the stability I need, and I know it’s healthier for both of us, especially when we think about a future together. He’s expecting me to get sober, and that’s the part where I freeze up. I’m working with a therapist, cutting back, and hoping for progress, but truthfully, I’m terrified of a life where I can’t use substances. It feels suffocating to imagine a future where I never drink or get high again.
The thing is, I’ve experienced trauma in my past, something I don’t often talk about. I was sexually assaulted multiple times during my teenage years by older men, and it’s something that weighs on me constantly. Sometimes, I feel like the only way I can cope with the memories and the anger is by escaping, and I wish my boyfriend understood that side of me. But he doesn’t, and while I’m trying to open up more, I still feel a wall between us. I wonder if he’ll ever truly understand what’s going on in my mind.
There’s another man I work with, he’s in his 40s and he’s also an addict. It’s strange, but I feel an overwhelming pull toward him. I know it’s not healthy. I know that if things ended with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t date this guy. But still, I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s not kind, and our interactions are often toxic, but there’s something magnetic about it. We spend a lot of time together, and even though I can see how unhealthy this attraction is, it’s hard to let go of.
I guess all this has me questioning whether my boyfriend is truly the right person for me. I feel lost in my own head, wondering if my feelings are just a result of unresolved issues or if I’m really not meant to be with him anymore. The desire to stay in my destructive patterns feels stronger than my desire to change, even though I know I need to. I want to be better. I want stability and peace, but I also don’t know how to break free from the habits that have held me for so long.
I guess I’m just looking for some advice, or even just a sympathetic ear. Has anyone else struggled with addiction and feeling disconnected from the person they love? How did you find a way through it?