My college “best friends” keep treating me like the backup friend and I think I’m finally done
I (22F) became friends with two girls in my first year of medical school — let’s call them A and N.
Over time I started realizing that in our trio, they were the real duo and I was just… there when convenient.
I’m also the kind of friend who says yes to everything and always shows up for people, even when it’s inconvenient for me.
Things first got weird on my birthday. My roommate was being bullied, and I stood up for her because she’s really naive and doesn’t defend herself. Somehow it escalated into a huge argument and I ended up telling everyone to fuck off. After that, a lot of people started to dislike me.
A and N used that whole situation to slowly isolate me. We later “resolved” it, but things never felt the same.
Then I went through two failed situationships. After the second one, A literally told me:
“You always choose red flags. Don’t even tell us about your relationships until you get engaged.”
That comment stayed with me.
So when I finally got into a healthy relationship, I kept it private for a while. Then suddenly A got upset and accused me of “hiding things.”
A few months later, that boyfriend cheated on me and I completely fell apart. I genuinely loved him. A and N barely comforted me. They just kept saying “move on” and “don’t cry over him.”
Meanwhile, another friend I made later J stayed up with me at night, listened to me cry, helped me eat, helped me function. She basically carried me through the worst heartbreak of my life. That’s when I started realizing what actual friendship looks like.
Then there’s this other girl in our batch, S. She and her group are kind of the “cool crowd.” S got really attached to N because N is very nurturing/motherly.
S and her friends spread rumors about me because I don’t support their behavior. N still hangs around them because it gives her social status/popularity.
During a med school trip, we were all together for a week in a hilly area with barely any cell service. N practically ignored me the entire trip while hanging out with S and her group. Later, when I brought it up, she acted like I was overreacting.
A admitted it wasn’t nice but still defended N and asked me to forgive her. I did.
Now to yesterday/today:
Yesterday A asked if we wanted to go to church. I said yes, but N had a headache, so the plan got canceled.
Today A asked again, but I genuinely couldn’t go because I had things to do. Then they went with S instead and posted pictures together.
And honestly? It’s not even about church. It’s the pattern. The constant feeling that I’m optional, excluded, tolerated, or only included when convenient.
At this point I genuinely don’t know what to do.
Do I:
quietly distance myself?
confront them?
stop expecting real friendship from them?
am I overreacting?
Because I feel like I’ve spent years trying to earn a place in a friendship that was never equal to begin with.